Comment by watwut
7 years ago
The more I think about it, the less I believe the whole "I am responsible for my emotions". It is true in some situations and not in others. As a strategy, it makes it impossible to adress abusive or manipulative people while it makes it easier for abusive people to get their way. You are responsible for reaction, but certain emotions are perfectly natural and normal.
0.) There are many people who purposely insult others and then brag about it. When I go out of my way to make you pissed off for own pleasure, then blaming you for being angry is unfair. Then there are people who push and see how you react. If you are doormat, you get more abuse. Here insult have purpose.
1.) This ideology is more focused on pretending emotions don't exist or framing you as bad/weak if you have then. But, it allows you to "retaliate" against third parties.
2.) It is asymetric. Insulted person is expected to have perfect emotional control while the lack of such control on the side of the one who insulted you is ignored or seen as strength.
3.) It leaves you with two options - leaving or bending over to abusive people. There is little space for standing for yourself without becoming abusive yourself.
Imagine a group of respectful people competing with each other. Then the abuser comes in and intentionally causes stress and discomfort to competitors. If you don't allow the respectful people to address his behavior or openly talk about its consequences without sounding "weak", then the abuser is in advantage. They spend effort to manage those negative emotions while he does not have to. He is less in advantage where "stop insulting me" or "stop constantly undermine me" are legitimate things to say.
I also don't believe that "I am responsible for my emotions". It frames emotional / emphatic people as weak as you say, however I don't also think that retaliating with anger is a solution to this problem, but I also don't imply pacifism as the solution.
Every kind of bullying is deteriorating and highly damaging. I've experienced this for 10 years straight, and I decided that I will never do anything to anyone that I don't want to experience (Don't sow anything you don't want to reap).
However in real life, we need to protect ourselves against these manipulators and bullies. We can overpower them, we can play their game or we just become too hard to attack. I've chosen the third way. When someone attacks me in any way, I don't provide them any fuel with my anger or sorrow. I give them nothing. If they're criticizing me, I note words (but not the emotions), and give them a hard think. If I can get anything useful from it, I use the advice. If nothing comes out, I throw everything away.
Of course I'm not perfect at this, I also have soft sides. I sometimes short circuit after the event, but I sorted out most problematic parts of my life that way. I even saved my career that way. It's not an easy thing, but it's highly rewarding if you ask me.
I am sorry to hear you were bullied. I also have experienced this.
I know this will be hard to listen to, but it is my truth.
I was bullied because I gave them my power. When I took responsibility for my emotions, and refused to fear them, it all changed. Power comes with responsibility. When I took responsibility for my fear away from them, I could take my power back and it all stopped.
It sounds like victim blaming, I know. "Just ignore them and they'll go away". All that crap. For me, it was more like "no one is ever doing that to me again". I refused to be afraid any more. I would face them, fight them, do whatever it took, take whatever they did to me, but I would not be afraid any more.
I am responsible for my emotions. I refuse to give anyone else that power over me.
I agree with you. It is ok to be angry, but anger does not excuse everything person does and anger does not mean that I am in the right.
I would also add that there are many people who are not bullies and still may do something bully-like without realizing it. I know few people like that - somehow they are not good at seeing your reaction the way others do and are bad at predicting it. With them, if you just let it be, then it get worst. If you openly tell them to stop and explain how it hurts those around, then it gets better.
Even neurotypical people including me can do hurtful things without realizing. Feedback and communication helps.
I am not a perfect human being. I can react in ways that are not ideal when situations trigger my flaws. That's OK, as long as I accept responsibility for that.
I am responsible for my emotions, but that doesn't mean I have to apologise for them. If I think someone is acting like a dick, and my reaction to that is stress and anger, I'm OK with accepting responsibility for my anger and showing it anyway. I am human, I have inappropriate emotions at times.
However, blaming the other person because "they made me feel angry" is not helpful. They acted like a dick, and they have to accept responsibility for that. I got angry, and that's my responsibility. I could have chosen not to get angry, and I refuse to give the power to make that choice to someone who acts like a dick.
Responsibility and authority go together. Accepting authority over my emotions means I have to accept responsibility for them. Refusing to accept responsibility for my emotions also means I'm refusing my authority over my emotions. Giving others control over my emotions is not going to lead to good things.