Comment by arp242
5 years ago
I once tried to have a conversation with a women who tried to drive me and my bicycle off the bus lane (where she shouldn't be driving in the first place); and shouted "fuck off you pissy little cunt" to me. For some reason I thought that if I explained my perspective, she would understand.
It ended up with a broken back wheel (she kicked it) and a damaged phone (she took it out of my hand when I wanted to take a picture of the license plate and threw it on the ground).
She was clearly unhinged, but I was stupid as well. I should of just let it go; no one who starts a social interaction with "pissy little cunt" is likely to be calmed down by reason. You have nothing to gain from trying, and much to potentially lose.
> ...and shouted "fuck off you pissy little cunt" to me.
There's a name for this incident - "road rage". Very real and dangerous indeed.
People get completely irrational and agitated. Probably due to effect of being locked up, in a way, non-free inside their cars.
When I'm biking, at times I too get mad at some careless and obnoxious drivers encroaching my freedom, I guess they may be finding me just as annoying for simply missing the fatter wheels and a comparable scale on the shared road. Irrational!
As cyclists we are literally more exposed on the road. So whenever such inevitable bout of irrational fury pops, I find the safest option for myself is to steam-off using similar vocabulary. It's more efficient than reasoning with the unreasonable.
Just to be even safer, I'd let the offending four-wheeled furia be gone before naming the whole piece of that motorized content in precisely spoken choice of words...
It takes practice though. Be safe!
A sad sentiment of giving up, but I think it is premature to abandon your approach. I think it may be worth trying for that small-ish fraction (call it 10%?) of people who can be talked back from their anger. Those are good conversations to have for both parties, and worth trying to have, even if it results in failure 90% of the time.
That said, I think the real lesson for you is: don't make yourself more vulnerable (e.g. letting her touch you or your stuff) if you decide to try to start a conversation!
It also points to a theory I've been considering about personhood, and how people like your driver lady is in a mindstate where, in her mind, you're not a person. It's a very, very dangerous situation, because if they don't think you're a person, then there is nothing immoral about saying or doing anything to you, including violence.
> I think the real lesson for you is: don't make yourself more vulnerable (e.g. letting her touch you or your stuff) if you decide to try to start a conversation!
I didn't "let" her, she just did it.
I know you mean well and that you probably didn't intend it like this, but this comment comes off as victim blaming quite a bit.
As for the rest: thus far I've never managed to talk random strangers down from these kind of rages; but maybe I just don't have the charm shrug Last time I tried was with my neighbour and he ended up calling the police three times over a four-day period on me. My crime? I kindly asked him to not play his music so loudly all day long at the start of the lockdown (especially at 7am) and not backing down when he tried to shout me away. I had "invaded his home" by knocking on his front door... This isn't a fit of anger, some people are just like this.
Yeah, had a neighbour lady like this recently. She was always closing her doors VERY loudly (lamps in my aartment were ringing) and when there was some argument with another neighbour, she eventually said that it was I who started banging doors. My best comparison for arguing with such people is like playing chess with pidgeon. It will throw off pieces, shit on board and be happy that it won. And you will be appaled that it didn't follow any rules, angry maybe, but is there any use to all that arguing? They will bring you down emotionally and then you only argue to have a feeling of winning. No meritoric discussion whatsoever. In such situations, just remember, that arguing with them will NOT have any utility or lasting value, it will just waste your time and mental health.
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I am not blaming you. I am trying to point out places where you could have reduced the chance of being harmed. In particular, when she approached you and came within arms length, you could have put away your phone. Next time, I hope you do. That is NOT the same as saying it was your fault she destroyed it. It is her fault. My advice is based on the sad truth that the cost of getting justice >> the cost of buying a new phone, so I'm saying: when confronted with an angry person, put your valuables away, because getting them to actually replace that item will be more pain than the initial damaging interaction.
As for your neighbor, yes, it sounds like he's a crazy person. And the lockdown has taken even moderately crazy people and pushed them over the edge!
My guess would be that you're too peaceful and it shows.
There are some people who will try to bully their way through life. They will apply violent behavior (e.g. breaking your phone) to get their way. The way to stop that is to make it clear that you can apply violence, too.
Most of society works by peacefully interacting with each other. But it is crucial that everyone knows that there is a threat of violence (e.g. the police) to keep everyday life peaceful.
I wonder if I am just imagining it, but I took martial arts lessons as a kid. I've always felt like just the knowledge that I could fight has caused others to deescalate and be respectful.
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It's tautologically true that for any X, if you don't try to do X, you won't succeed. But, you also have to weigh whatever good may come of success against the probability and potential consequences of failure. In cases like these, you're by definition dealing with someone who is a little off mentally, whether that's just a temporary condition (e.g. having a bad day), or serious mental illness. Such people can tend to be unpredictable as a result, which is dangerous in its own way.
So, yes, I agree with you somewhat, but I think the balance of consequences tends to favor not acting in cases like this rather than attempting to do anything.
Nitpicking, but that's not a tautology. Let X be "dying" -- many of us aren't trying to get there, but we will all succeed.
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>A sad sentiment of giving up, but I think it is premature to abandon your approach. I think it may be worth trying for that small-ish fraction (call it 10%?) of people who can be talked back from their anger. Those are good conversations to have for both parties, and worth trying to have, even if it results in failure 90% of the time.
Please do not give terrible advice that will kill people.
Moving to NYC couple of years ago I learned the best way to deal with those type of people is to let go and move on. It really isn't worth wasting your time and energy on those people, because they will just ruin your day. Best case scenario you feel better for couple of minutes and then you forget about it. Worst case you end up dead, in jail or worse.