Comment by gsk22
5 years ago
You're misunderstanding what the phrase "how are you" means in the US. It is not a literal question, but a set phrase with implicit social rules for "correct" responses.
This doesn't mean the person asking is faking kindness - but also understand they're not actually asking for a rundown of how your life is going. Negative responses to the question are ok, just not deeply personal answers.
Tom Scott has an excellent video that addresses this very issue.
It's the same in Russian actually. You're saying "how are you" ("как дела") after "hello" ("привет"), but you're not really expecting any meaningful answer other than "I'm OK" ("нормально") or "I'm fine" ("отлично").
But it might be one way to start a conversation when you want to tell something you don't like. Like "How are you? I'll live. What happened? ...". But it's more of closed friends conversation when you can feel OK sharing your burdens with other person. I guess, similar thing could happen in US?
From now on, I need to start responding to "How are you?" with "Normal".
My favorite response to “How are you?” comes from a Russian former coworker: “Average. Worse than yesterday, better than tomorrow”.
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American here:
I did it last night with a cashier and she laughed and was, I think, amused by the novel response. It seemed to brighten her up a small amount. She then continued to make conversation by saying “Well let’s see if we can’t get you to better than normal.” That was slightly offputting and I wish she didn’t feel the need to take it there. I’m perfectly content with feeling “normal”.
I suppose the way I think of it is like dynamic range of expression. Normal is baseline and perfectly suitable. It’s where I like being. Great or bad are for special cases where I feel extraordinary.
My go to answer is, "can't complain". Vague enough to leave it alone if the question is trivial, but also open-ended enough to expound upon if the other person is genuinely interested in my well-being.
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Fun experiment, try asking "how are you" a second time. A lot of Americans will respond instinctively, without wondering why you asked again.
Funny. Is the second round more honest or just as shallow?
I always enjoyed the "how is it going", and then not even waiting for a response before moving forward with the conversation. I'm a native born American, have traveled outside of the country only a handful of times, and yet I still find it jarring to be asked that.
What you write is true from an US point of view, and that's the point of my comment. In Europe you wouldn't ask anyone how she/he feels when you don't want to accept and reply to the response, even if it is deviating from the expected (happy) response.