Comment by maratd
15 years ago
> I've seen multiple studies that show parents who withhold praise raise higher achievers
Ok. I don't like that either.
I'd rather raise a healthy, curious, creative, passionate, and happy child.
I couldn't care less about what he achieves.
If he achieves nothing, so be it. In fact, on average, he won't achieve much ... but when he does achieve something, it'll blow your mind.
And that little drone you raised, who is desperately trying to catch your attention? He'll focus on titles and milestones. He can verbalize that. He can quantify it. He can get others (and you) to easily recognize his "achievement" ... more to the point, he will always be trying to put you in a position where you MUST give him praise, because you constantly hold it back.
You want to know what that looks like? BA, BS, MS, Phd, JD, 100K salary, BMW, etc. etc. ... easily quantifiable status symbols that can be placed in a study and can be easily used to force the parent to render praise. Is that really achievement?
I'd rather my kid start the next Apple.
I think 'start the next Apple' is just as constrained as what you're dogging.
What about just getting married and raising a great family? Or starting a mechanic shop that lets him fish every afternoon? Living a happy life that they choose and having a positive impact on the people around them. The occupation, money, etc. don't matter so much.
> What about just getting married and raising a great family?
That's a lot harder than starting the next Apple. Seriously.
Telling your kid "I just want you to be happy" is nice, but it conveys nothing. As a parent, it's your job to teach him how to get there.
I should know what his passion is. I'm his dad. I don't care if it's computers, cars, or fish. Whatever it is, I'll do it with him and I'll push him to be the best in that field.
I don't care what "achievements" he acquires. That trophy means squat. So does that degree. So does that salary.
I want to see the child challenged, I want to see him fail, and I want to see him get up, learn from his mistakes, and try again. I want to see that attitude in every aspect of his life. That, alone, is the biggest achievement he can make.
Maybe if the kid tries to become the next Steve Jobs, he'll fall on his ass often enough, to the point that the pain will beat into him what's really important in life ... and maybe, just maybe, after all that, he'll learn how to live a happy life.
I've nailed a few of those. My girlfriend has claim on most of the others.
But, at the end of the day, our parents are most proud of us for who we are as human beings and members of society, and not for any titles, salaries or vehicles we possess. And I think that's exactly the way it should be.
I would much rather raise an intellectually curious child who would like to show me the cool project they worked on, or the cool thing they discovered, than one who believes I'll only praise them for a letter grade from an arbitrary third party.
> I'd rather my kid start the next Apple.
Me too, but I'd happily settle for my kid being happy, content and fulfilled with the life they lead, regardless of whether or not that involves creating a Fortune 500.
> he will always be trying to put you in a position where you MUST give him praise, because you constantly hold it back.
> ...easily quantifiable status symbols that can be placed in a study and can be easily used to force the parent to render praise.
Just as a data point, I'd like to add that coming from a childhood of constant praise and overprotective parenting, I am also looking for easily quantifiable symbols of achievement. Growing up under-challenged, for me it was quite the interesting psychological experience to have to face the reality that I've been coasting through high-school and college, and have absolutely no objective idea of my skills or achievements.
What I mean is, each extreme is damaging - lack of praise, but also too much praise. A good middle ground is perhaps objective evaluation of the child's progress, coupled with a good introduction into the art of reasonable persistence.