Comment by Mezzie

> It’s ok, it’s good to cry - but I had some toxic masculinity perhaps that MS beat out of me lol.

I don't even have the 'toxic masculinity' excuse since I'm a girl, but I was also emotionally constipated. It definitely takes some getting used to.

Anki is great - spaced repetition was my best friend in school since I focused on languages/linguistics. Unfortunately my main memory issue seems to be remembering conversations I've had and forgetting/transposing random words. My memory is still objectively good, but it used to be amazing so it chafes. I know you understand since your vision was like that.

> Dude are you my girl twin? This is basically why I went back to school. Losing my job wiped out a massive part of my identity - I’d been a professional pilot since I was 19 and had literally not seen any other thing that I wanted to do. Basically I had to completely reinvent and recreate who I was through all this. Anyway, the big epiphany for me was major changes in how I view the world - particularly with regards to what is important and where I fit into it. I am not going to go down without a fight even if my only purpose is to serve as an example to others.

I might be! I was also very career focused - I had people pushing me towards academia and assuming I was going to be a professor since I was six years old. My entire sense of self was tied up in my intellectual and productive capacity. I am much angrier and, like you, much less tolerant of injustices now. Shamefully, a large portion of that is because I have experienced a life altering event through no fault of my own and I have more sympathy for others now. It's also made me more aware of the advantages I have and absolutely furious when people who don't have them are taken advantage of.

> My wife makes enough to support our family now, albeit not as comfortably as before, but good enough. When I finish grad school the money I make from whatever I do will be able to be spent on fun, experiences with the kids, and helping in our community - that’s a massive change from where we were before, basically just focused survival or getting more money for money’s sake and toys.

I'm the sole breadwinner for both myself and my sister who is bipolar and can't hold down a job. We have no other help. We're drowning; I hate it here. It's to the point where I'm contemplating trying again to make myself like/tolerate men sexually because God, a spouse or second income would make things so much easier and there is no female dating pool here. Then again, men don't stay with crippled women so that's probably not a great idea either.

I do spend a lot of my free time and mental energy on local matters.

> I am fully a different person now. The essence may be the same, but I am irrevocably changed.

I 100% am different. I view my former self with horror, honestly. I was an arrogant, nasty little shithead. It's a lot easier to speak up now, though. Oh no, you don't like what I say and you might not hire me or say mean things? I wake up every day not sure if I'll be able to walk, anything else seems like small potatoes in comparison.