Comment by flatline
2 years ago
I have lived this too.
Likewise ask culture can only be healthy if there is not a power imbalance: is the asked party really free to say no?
The title is catchy but I’m not sure how useful this dichotomy really is.
2 years ago
I have lived this too.
Likewise ask culture can only be healthy if there is not a power imbalance: is the asked party really free to say no?
The title is catchy but I’m not sure how useful this dichotomy really is.
You can also be more empathetic with ask culture and soften or make the request more obvious to say no to.
Instead of saying "can you do x" you can say "i know you're busy so no pressure whatsoever but if you're available can you do me out with x? feel free to say no my feelings won't be hurt"
Yea it's a lot more words but the general gist is you ask with an additional explicit "out" for the other person so they can say no using your pre-provided excuse instead of them having to come up with one. I've found this over communication can be useful for bridging the gap sometimes
As a (suffering) guesser myself, when I have to ask something I always phrase it like 'would you be interested in doing this?' so that they can say 'no' without stress.
Instead of asking 'Would you do this for me? etc.' which I know would cause a mild-natured guesser stress.
It is also true that for some (many?) people it is very hard to say 'No'. I don't know any psychological/technical name for this but it is simply true and it is in their nature.
When asked directly, they will give in even if they don't like doing what is being asked.
'Asking' in these cases is actually exploitation (if done with prior knowledge).
I think what you describe in the flip side of this. If I assume guess culture, then you asking me something implies that you reasoned out that I should give it to you. That puts a lot of expectations on me and I feel like I am going to really upset you if I say no.
Meanwhile you may have just asked me on a long shot.
I think, "It can't hurt to ask," is the leading mindset of ask culture.
If the other person is also an asker, it's probably accurate. As an asker myself, I have no trouble saying no when the answer is no. I will generally offer some explanation of the no, and I'll probably also suggest some other way the other person can accomplish what they were asking me about, but saying no just feels like "being honest" to me.
I'm also comfortable with the prospect that I might disappoint people this way. I consider my own disappointment to be my responsibility, and thus also consider other people's disappointment to be theirs, not mine.
People Pleaser
That is accurate even if it sounds mildly derogatory. Any kind of confrontation is very difficult for some people while it means nothing to others.
Simple example, when somebody cuts into a line in a super market, how many people actually speak up? Most of the time I see eye-rolls, angry shrugs but people just move on.
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> can only be healthy if there is not a power imbalance
I don't know if that's any less true of "guess" culture. In guess culture the one with less power gets punished for guessing wrong instead of asking wrong.