Comment by sneak
2 years ago
All good and meaningful relationships involve give and take, and sometimes saying no, so this reduces to "it's rude to have close human relationships with people" (because close human relationships necessarily involve sometimes saying no).
There is an argument that such a worldview is slightly pathological.
There are ways around that, by phrasing questions in a different way so the other person does not have to respond with a hard "no". Yes, this requires prior acquaintance with that communication culture, and integration by relative outsiders can be difficult.
Sorry but this is bullshit and putting the onus on the wrong person. “No” is a complete sentence and I don’t see the problem with using it, if you do (after say, I’ve asked for you a slice of cake) but can’t think of another phrasing (“I’m afraid not”, “maybe after you dinner”, “ask your father”; there are endless possibilities - especially when dealing with children) then the issue is your vocabulary, and not my failure to bend over backwards phrasing the question so do you don’t have to say the, apparently dreaded, word “no”.
I guess that is your background from a more "ask"-like culture speaking, where things are put out more explicitly. Meanwhile "guess"-like cultures value "getting along" more highly and try to avoid the hard "no". Yes, this often stems from different underlying value systems that we might perceive as toxic.
As I said upthread - lots of caveats and it's context dependent. For one thing, this usually assumed there was not a "close human relationship" but social situations where you aren't that close.
It has to be OK to say no. In many scenarios or cultures it is considered rude to say no. So if you're not able to gracefully say no without being considered rude, it's correspondingly rude to ask because you're basically saying "do this for me or else you're rude."
It's not an ask at that point, it's a demand. If I'm the asshole if I say no, then I don't want to be asked the question in the first place.