Comment by another-dave
2 years ago
What you've described sounds like the 'Guess culture' side to me — you're anticipating the impact on me & asking for something that you intuit is nbd.
Let's say though that you felt like a beer. Would you ask for one?
To me, it'd feel quite rude to ask for something like that (what if you don't have any, will it make you feel bad? What if you have some but you were saving them for something or they're very expensive?)
But from what I understand of what the author describes as Ask culture, it'd be seen as nbd for me to ask you for a beer and also no big deal for you to refuse it in turn.
The beer example is such a good one because no one really thinks it’s reasonable to ask for a beer without a shared context that beers happen in that particular relationship.
“Ask culture” people, in the context of a shared relationship, are just kind of assholes. Ask culture means “I ask for shit without a legitimate understanding that it is an acceptable request”.
(Obviously when you do not share culture or a relationship you must ask. But you should ask questions that let you understand the culture, and observe instead of act. Or, you know… just be an asshole.)