Comment by DoreenMichele
2 years ago
My oldest son has special needs. He's 2e -- gifted and learning disabled -- and has a serious medical condition associated with being very underweight.
I put him in preschool to get him to talk. He could use sentences but wasn't.
At the start of kindergarten, first, second and third grade, I spoke with the teacher, explained he was difficult, let them know I welcomed communication on any issue. They were thrilled and relieved. Parents are often part of the problem.
By fourth grade, my son was no longer obviously "the weird kid." That teacher reported me to the social worker for letting him know up front my child was difficult and please don't hesitate to discuss things with me.
The social worker called me, we talked for a bit. She knew both my kids. Laughed it off as a silly misunderstanding. Months later, his teacher let me know he did eventually get the memo that my child had quirky interpretations of social things.
After my son finally got a proper diagnosis for his medical issue, he gained twenty pounds in one year and this did wonders for his social skills. Then he lost five pounds.
He still felt better than he ever had and neither of us were concerned. His medical team implied I was in danger of being reported to children's services as an abusive mother.
Because his condition predisposes people to being very underweight, pediatric clinics for the condition routinely include a dietitian and yet the standard recommended diet is "junk food" because it's high salt, high fat, high calorie and cheap.
I had not been feeding him junk food, but I dutifully put a big bowl of snacks in the middle of the coffee table. He regained 2.5 pounds, they decided that was adequate and didn't need more follow up visits.
We got home and, with no longer being under threat of being turned in as a neglectful or abusive parent, the first thing he did was hand me the bowl and tell me "We are never doing this again. I feel terrible!"
We resumed feeding him a high quality diet in line with the high fat, high salt, high calorie recommendations.
It's awful to be so protective of your children and be accused of abusing them based on no real evidence. I wish this project well.
What was the medical issue for your child being underweight, if you could please share that?
He has a form of cystic fibrosis.
> Then he lost five pounds. He still felt better than he ever had and neither of us were concerned. His medical team implied I was in danger of being reported to children's services as an abusive mother.
But wasn't that valid cause for concern, especially for someone who should be a growing boy? If being underweight was a serious medical concern for him, losing 5 pounds seems like a big flashing red warning that something could be going wrong.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding your story, but from what you've written, it sounds to me like their intervention successfully ensured he was eating enough when he wasn't before?
The problem is that the phrase "a valid concern" would lead me to think "something doctors and parents should consult on (also with the child themself!) and determine if there is cause for alarm, and if so decide collaboratively what the proper course of action is." Sure! Of course! That's what you do with valid health concerns, right?
What it actually means is "something for which social workers will decide whether to take your child away from you for". That's a pretty big escalation from a "valid concern", but one that happens if "the system" decides you are a target. "A valid concern" is in that case a code word for "credible presumptive evidence of child abuse". A child being underweight is a valid thing to be concerned about, it is not on it's own credible presumptive evidence of abusive parenting, no.
Abusers sometimes take their victims elsewhere - new doc, new town, new state - when people start getting suspicious. The victim may also be retaliated against; accused of trying to get help. There’s a risk to consulting someone you suspect might be the perpetrator.
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You are missing the part where I harmed his health to comply with their expectations. He was fine and does better on a high quality diet than on a junk food diet.
Weight isn't the only metric that matters.
Harmed his health by what metric?
What do you consider a high quality diet? What would meals for a day look like to you?
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