Comment by mckn1ght
1 year ago
> contemplate alternatives, imagine things being different, or daydream of a different life
I lost my mother over 23 years ago, and one of the the hardest things for the longest while was anytime I would travel somewhere amazing, whether a city or country or the top of a mountain, knowing I'm seeing something she never saw, but might have, and what a kick she'd get out of it. It's always been in the back of my mind.
Now the hardest thing is realizing she'll never know her granddaughter, and vice-versa. Not to mention how much my daughter looks like her. But that's also a beautiful reminder of the cyclical nature of life and all its seasons.
Same. My mom was so unbelievably excited about eventually having grandchildren, it was one of her biggest desires after she'd lost her job and stayed home to take care of my various illnesses. She passed 2 years and 2 days ago. She had a long and... there still aren't words to describe the absolute horror. But i stayed there because i was the only one who could work from home and who could stay positive in the face of the impossible.
By the time i realized i should've been having every conversation possible she could no longer speak well, it just went one day, i have a recording of her struggling but i don't think i could ever bring myself to listen.
One new thing that's cropped up is thinking how much she'd enjoy some new youtube video i saw, or how funny she'd think a new "advertising photoshop fails" subreddit would be. And yeah, the grandchildren. There's a strong possibly she will have never even met my future wife. She didn't see my brother get married. She won't see me get aPhD. She was 60 and was there for so many things but the cycle just keeps moving on.
Life simply takes things, we're the ones who think we deserve them. The fact that we're anything at all is the greatest gift and the greatest pain. But i believe Tolkien said, "What punishments of God are not gifts"
My hands have similarities to both my mother and father who both died recently. When I'm stroking my 5 year old's face as he falls asleep (and he takes bloody ages to fall asleep) I like to think I'm giving them a chance to touch the grandson that they knew all too briefly.
(Great job autocorrect - almost changed "stroking" to "striking" there!)