Comment by smeej

I'm adding this comment as a note to anyone who's walking alongside people who are grieving, or even is in the middle of a grief experience yourself.

Ring theory [0], developed by Susan Silk, was one of the most helpful guidelines someone gave me early in my grief journey.

Picture the traumatic event or loss at the center of a set of concentric circles. At the very center are the people going through it directly. Each step outward represents one step removed from the event itself.

Everyone has permission to dump any pain or need or anything onto anyone in a larger ring than they're in, but under no circumstance should any such things be dumped into a smaller circle.

For example, when my sister and my died, her husband/his father was in the innermost circle. My mother was in a very slightly larger one. My brother and I were a circle out from that, followed by her closest friend, his parents, his brother, their other friends, etc.

It makes a really big difference not to have to try to deal with what other people need to dump when you're dealing with enough to be broken yourself.

And when in doubt? The most effective thing you can do in many circumstances is show up, stay, and not say a word. Your physical presence and willingness to sit silently in the overwhelming awkwardness speaks volumes. It tells the person you love that they aren't alone, even when being with them is really hard.

[0] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)