Comment by mattlondon
2 months ago
There is "Purpose" and "purpose".
One is some grandiose ill-defined thing. The other is housework.
I am certainly in the housework side right now with two kids under 5.
I am a dad, but I still derive quite a lot of identity from what I do for work. If anything, now that I am meeting more parents from nursery & school etc it feels it is almost more important for me now to be able to implicitly assert status through my work/wealth/house-in-desireable-location/car/etc than it was before kids.
I assumed those sort of feelings would dissolve with kids ("Purpose") but if anything the kids have magnified them. Potentially I am just a shallow prick, but I wonder if it is a "provider instinct" thing or perhaps just mini dopamine hits from feeling like I've got something desirable and meeting these other parents just reasserts that over and over.
“Two kids under five” is a tough stage, though (I can’t believe I’ve reached the point where I can say that retrospectively). Things come into focus a little more once your longest conversations with them aren’t about why they actually do need to wear shoes to school. You get hit with those moments where you realize the long term impact you’re having on their personalities and worldviews, and what an awesome responsibility that is.
Not totally unlike—and I get that this is peak hn, but since we’re talking work—building something and then seeing it run in the real world and having to live with your design decisions over the long term, etc etc etc.
Thank you for this, I'm glad to hear you acknowledge that having kids isn't a constant philosophical bliss. I have two under 5 as well and don't relate to the dozens of comments gushing about their kids, wanting to spend more time with them. A few hours a day with my 4 year old is plenty (and most days, too much).