Comment by bko
1 day ago
I dealt with a little bit of what the article describes, the burden of too much leisure. I ended up getting a masters part time and another certification that ate up much of my 20s. But after that I still felt anxiety growing older. It was all just so meaningless. And every year I was less likely to ever have my career really take off so what the hell was the point? I'll be working until my 60s or moving to some random cheap country I have no connection to to live out the rest of my days.
This all changed once I had children. I'm surprised the article doesn't mention children at all. But I was in a kind of prolonged adolescence. You see this among many people without children. Just obsession about "addictive, sensationalist, forgettable entertainment and media", Disney World for adults, collectibles, anime, video games, all distractions.
Obviously children are not for everyone and I can only speak from personal experience. But having kids just cured that anxiety almost immediately. Not that I was not bored, but I kind of flipped things where time was on my side. Prior to kids, I felt anxiety growing older because I was just that much less likely to have some big breakthrough. And every year we get a little slower and less interested in things. Now every year my kids grow a bit and I know they got their best years ahead of them. And I get to experience all of that, win back some hard earned free time for personal interests, and overall have more interesting dinner conversations. But probably most importantly, you get to see what kind of people they're going to grow up to be.
This is just me of course. Some people might have the opposite experience, where they feel children are a prison. And plenty of people blow their lives up and abandon their families. But for me I couldn't imagine where I'd be without them.
My wife and I are unable to have children due to health reasons, and we decided not to adopt after years of hardship. Now, we’re in a better place, and I’m nearing my 40s. My brother has 2 young kids, and my parents help take care of the kids during the week. They are literal neighbors and walk back and forth between their houses.
Meanwhile, my wife and I have moved from our hometown, lived in SF for a while (focusing on career), sold normal possessions to live and travel in an RV for a year, and now we live on a gulf coast island. It’s been a great adventure these past years, but there is a deep feeling that there isn’t much of a purpose in what we do.
Raising kids seems to answer this for some, but other parents seem to become genuinely disgusted with it over time (unfortunately for the kids). From an evolutionary perspective, a feeling of purpose from raising children makes total sense. But, that doesn’t mean I must lean into all evolutionarily baked-in tendencies as a form of true meaning.
I think the hard truth is that if we want meaning, we have to be honest that there is no unquestionable source of meaning in life. That also goes counter to the idea that we are individually special or have a destiny, which is also a hard pill to swallow for many (particularly in the Western world). However, it does open up our lives as a canvas on which we can paint our own vision of meaning and purpose.
> I think the hard truth is that if we want meaning, we have to be honest that there is no unquestionable source of meaning in life.
I agree, but children are one possible source of meaning in life. I haven't found a compelling one for me personally besides that. I guess for some people it could be discovery. If you're on the frontier of some field or science that could have a big impact, perhaps that can give you meaning. Perhaps Nikola Tesla never felt the urge to marry or have children. But for us mere mortals that becomes harder. And today's map doesn't have many unchartered areas. Nearly every problem accessible to us is impossible or trivial.
I hope you find meaning and purpose in your life without kids. But you're also relatively young. I feel like my passion and interests wane over time. This holds for most people I know as well. And other fun things like adventure and living out of an RV becomes harder as well.
> we have to be honest that there is no unquestionable source of meaning in life
Think about what you would like to remain in the world after you are gone. Then think how you can connect with and advance those things, and act accordingly in your life. To me this has been a reliable way to find meaning in life. But obviously I don’t claim this is unquestionable or works for everyone.
"Never Grow Up: 42 Percent of People Who Waited in Line To Meet Characters at Disney Parks Last Year Were Childless Adults"
https://www.barstoolsports.com/blog/3550984/never-grow-up-42...
I totally agree - having kids gave my life a meaning that I didn’t know I was missing until I experienced it. I’ve experienced higher emotional highs (and lower lows) than I think I would ever have any other way.
More broadly, I think western culture has abandoned the old trifecta of “God, family, country” (and I would add a fourth of career) that gave life meaning. All of those pillars have their problems but our culture did not replace them with anything expect a vague “do what makes you happy” sentiment that doesn’t seem to be working for a lot of people.
I didn't read the article past the first paragraph. Was expecting it to be about children.
This. As unfashionable as it might be the truth is that children are the reason, for everything. Ultimately you will get bored of living just for yourself.