Comment by nkrisc
20 hours ago
> The post felt like a rollercoaster between using tricks to charm and manipulate, and periods of genuinely trying to learn how to be friends with people.
That’s all the same thing. What is being friends with people other than essentially manipulating them into liking you by being likable and a good friend?
What’s important is why you’re doing it.
> What is being friends with people other than essentially manipulating them into liking you by being likable and a good friend?
No, that’s not a friendship. That’s just a relationship built on insecurity. You can only hold up the facade for so long. Imagine manipulating a romantic interest in to liking you, or vice versa. That’s not a very nice thing to do. It never ends well.
>Imagine manipulating a romantic interest in to liking you, or vice versa. That’s not a very nice thing to do. It never ends well.
Someone better tell the makeup and fashion industries...
I think big distinction is “doing it on purpose, in a thought out manner” vs “just being who you are and people falling into friendship with you”.
Doing it on purpose - even if you don’t have bad intentions - still feels selfish, you make them like you for your own benefit first and foremost as you want them to be your friends.
If I didn't do it on purpose, I will never do it, with anyone, including my own family. It does not happen "automatically" for me. I have to be mindful about it. "Force" myself to do it. Do it "on purpose".
Your proposed course of action would leave me with no friends or relationships.
To me, the phrase "relationships take effort" - means literally that. Because every single interaction takes effort.
Perhaps this is one of those "introvert vs extrovert" things.
Some people’s “being who they are” doesn’t get them any friends, and they don’t understand why. They want to connect with people, but their outwards personality may be unintentionally grating, exhausting, tiring, etc.
Socials skills are “skills” like any other and if you aren’t getting the desired result with your current skill set, what better way to improve than purposeful practice?
I’m curious how you accidentally or unintentionally become friends with someone. Being friends almost always requires intent.
I guess you intentionally interact with them (because you like them, you share an interest), but you don't intentionally pretend to be something you are not (even though you know the other person would like that).
not original commenter, but I have. Either through their manipulation, or just being in the same place, doing the same things. Didn't like them as a person, but they were decent to me, so some sort of reciprocation happened, didn't last though.
> I’m curious how you accidentally or unintentionally become friends with someone
Really?
My most enduring friendships seem to just sorta happen, meeting people at random in various ways, figuring out you're into a lot of the same stuff, just sorta rubbing along well... and now we've known each other 25 years, how the hell did that happen? Ha.
It's almost the same argument, but backwards: You think they are a good person, so you want them to do well. Because they are good, they also want you to do well. Same result, but intentions are backwards.
Empathy.
What? You look confused. Empathy and constantly having someone's back is not manipulation. It only ever gets manipulative if you pretend to do these things and then let your peers down at critical moments.