Comment by close04
11 hours ago
I wasn't compiling a list list of values that are consistent, just values that were historically taught to boys/men. There were teachings in that vein for centuries and millennia. Some are contradicting ("be a gentleman" / "don't take no for an answer"). Bottom line, "never give up", "control your emotions", "don't cry" are not a "nowadays" thing by any measure.
> That's why the main focus was not in fact "big boys don't cry", it was "big boys don't get angry/freak out/throw temper tantrums, EVER"
In practical experience "boys don't cry" has been a staple of the actual education boys get for centuries. To the point that a lot of boys got a smacking for crying. Temper tantrums are as natural as crying, a reaction to the developing brain. They were considered abnormal and "destructive" because that was the limit of our understanding in child psychology.
On the other hand getting educated to never "get angry/freak out/throw temper tantrums, EVER" is just as toxic. Boys and men are asked to bottle up everything and this sort of worked, still with a high mental health price, in the past when there were outlets for that pressure. With those gone we just made the situation worse.
You're right that temper tantrums might be natural and excusable from young children and toddlers, but the obvious argument would be that people really should know better at some point as they develop mentally and are able to reflect about the deeper consequences of that kind of behavior. This is not advocating for systematically bottling up emotions, of course; even the ancients were well aware of the difference between temporarily restraining a negative emotion in order to avert its detrimental effects in the moment, as opposed to addressing its root causes (often in terms of unfulfilled expectations and desires) through inner self-reflection and mental exercises.