Comment by looperhacks
6 hours ago
As someone who really struggled with social interactions (and still does at times, just not as bad), this fails already at the first two steps:
> Listen-- really listen --and engage with open ears
How do I understand what is important? People say a lot of stuff, some important parts and some parts that are beside the point. Talking also involves identifying and reacting to the "important" bits, picking up the "wrong" stuff will be very weird. An exaggerated example:
> "We had a really bad traffic accident when we went to Sweden"
The obvious thing to engage with is the accident - but a struggling person might as well ask how they liked Sweden.
> When it's your turn to talk, offer up an anecdote [...]
I really struggled to even notice when it's "my turn" to talk. Either interrupting the other person or awkwardly looking at them until I notice or the other person tries to recover the situation.
> How do I understand what is important?
Operate under the assumption that the person on the other side of the conversation is under the delusion that every sentence they produce is gold.
Active listening = free points. Everyone wants to feel heard.
> but a struggling person might as well ask how they liked Sweden.
And sometimes this is the right question to ask, especially if the party on the other side of the conversation is giving cues suggesting that their memory of the accident is a painful one.
> I really struggled to even notice when it's "my turn" to talk.
Even highly-experienced conversationalists get this wrong at times. Sometimes the person with whom you're speaking has a weird cadence or is uncomfortable or...
---
Look, this is hard work. This requires literally years of deliberate practice, especially if you're on the Autism spectrum as both myself and my son are.
You will make mistakes. You will offend people. You will get depressed about having no charm/charisma. You will feel like the alien in the room.
Keep pushing forward. Force yourself to actively listen to conversations. Watch movies with magnetic characters and try to emulate their demeanor.
Don't beat yourself up. Embrace being the weird person for a while and find a group of weirdos just a bit less weird than yourself. Be vulnerable with them and get yourself a mentor. People, in my experience, love mentoring/teaching.
Just keep doing it. When you get good, it will pay dividends.