Comment by HeinzStuckeIt
2 months ago
Perhaps one of the problems with modern dating is that women expect a man to provide safety, but many men don’t want to be viewed as a source of safety? Me, I am only interested in relationship for companionship, someone with whom I can share interesting experiences, because joy is not complete unless it is shared. But when it comes to safety and security, a partner is on her own. That’s not to say that I wouldn’t do this or that for a partner, but it would be supererogatory. My male friends have a similar complaint, this isn’t just a HN thing.
Again, this is probably an outcome of modernity. I likely wouldn’t think this way as a man, if I didn’t grow up in a modern age hearing that women are strong, they can take care of themselves and no longer depend on men.
We're speaking to different things.
Safety doesn't mean you're a provider. It means you are safe to be authentic with. Safe to share truth with.
That safety takes many forms.
You cannot have depth without that safety. It is physical, it is also emotional and intellectual.
For instance, without safety a partner would never join you on many interesting experiences. If you want those experiences, they need to be able to trust you.
Now extend that idea of safety to a broad society context, and that is approaching what I was speaking to.
The safety I have heard demanded directly from women to me as a partner – or from female friends about the man they seek – is the safety of being a provider, giving them a feeling of security that they can’t manage to achieve on their own. It’s not just about a man being safe to be with. Again, you are speaking about something I haven’t heard from actual women, and I think I’ll trust the latter (and reportage matching it) over a HN stranger for forming my assumption of what women want from relationships.
And again, maybe part of why women might be having problems with dating is that many men today don’t want to be seen as a big emotional support for a partner either. That’s draining and time-consuming. This might bother you, but my whole point is that the social pressures are no longer there to compel men (or women) to act a certain way, and that is impacting dating.
> from women to me as a partner – or from female friends about the man they seek
How many people are you talking about here? Like if you had to rephrase this point using numbers would you say “I’ve heard half a dozen women say this”?
That aside, can you elaborate on safety as a demand? I’ve never had a partner or friend demand safety from me, ever. The only times in my life that I have seen someone demand safety from another is when the latter is acting violent or reckless to the point that their behavior poses a threat.
3 replies →
You keep using words like "Provider" and "security".
The words "provider" and "security" do not have specific meanings.
I'm practice this could describe anything from:
"I want a guy who is ripped like Conan the barbarian and beats the crap out of anyone who dares look at me funny"
to:
"I want to be a stay at home mom."
To:
"I want a guy with a job who splits rent with me."
Cool man. You know best. I hope it all goes well for you.