Comment by delis-thumbs-7e
3 days ago
I didn’t quite understand why sitting alone in a café makes you a weirdo (is it an American thing?), but the piece was very well written. We all should learn how to be without electronics for every now and then, accompanied only our thoughts. It is good for the soul.
I think the important part is leaving your phone and other devices home. Be alone, without even a possibility of connecting (apart from the old-fashione way of talking to an actual human being). People used to do this y’know? Back then.
> I think the important part is leaving your phone and other devices home.
The annoying part is that this becomes increasingly difficult to impossible. For example, I can't use public transport without my phone anymore, because my ticket is bound to my phone and the provider does not issue paper tickets or smartcards anymore.
Less severe but equally frustrating, many restaurants choose to use QR codes for menus rather than printing them onto a sheet of paper or writing them to the wall.
I love leaving my phone behind, primarily because I am in the "we're entertaining ourselves to death" crowd considering I essentially grew up with mobile phones already. But our environment is increasingly build on the assumption that we carry a smartphone with us at any given time.
Right, the real test is knowing your device is tucked in the pocket and completely ignoring it. At first it might be hard, but completely doable. Before I start my drive I put my non-peered-to-vehicle phone in my pocket, and it ceases to exist while I drive. Similarly it can be done in any other situation; in this case, a coffee shop.
There is no need to leave it behind, just having the right usage control over it would suffice.
> our environment is increasingly build on the assumption that we carry a smartphone with us at any given time.
This is so true! Surprised how many commenters are saying "just have self control" etc - a phone is close to essential for a lot of services in a city.
I'd be super interested in tips people have to avoid the psychological impact phones have when they do have to take them with them. A lot of phones have "relax" or "do not disturb" modes - curious if that actually works for anyone?
> "relax" or "do not disturb" modes - curious if that actually works for anyone?
Ever since I've owned a smartphone, they have been on "do not disturb" 24/7. People that know me know they won't reach me directly, but that I will call them back eventually. I do have a couple of voice calls every day; I schedule them ahead of time based on my own actions, and set an alarm to take out the phone.
I am typically involved in something and I don't want to be disturbed during it; it may just be thinking, or reading, or actually talking to a human being present with me; why would I ever want to be disturbed? I only check my phone when I want to actively perform some task with it anyway, e.g. to look at maps, and then I put it away again. I don't mind carrying it around and needing to use it increasingly for tickets and such. I do not experience this as "self control". I don't have the urge to take out my wallet or keys or umbrella unless I need them either. Why would I.
I typically (also) carry a paper book to read on public transport or in cafés.
I limit the time I can spend on apps that distract me. I can use youtube, twitter, etc. for a combined 30 minutes, then my time is up, and I can only use essential apps (whatsapp, calendar, notes). On iPhones it's super easy to set up rules like these, using the screen time manager, and then giving the pin to a friend who only gives it to you if you need to change the settings. On android it's not as easy but solutions also exist.
It's difficult for apps like chrome that are distracting but also useful, I personally also limit chrome, if this means I can't look something up so be it, it's worth it for me.
Why more people aren't doing this is one of the main things that confuses me. People are constantly complaining about using their phone too much, but they don't just do this. I guess I'm an extreme outlier in terms of how willing I am to restrict the actions of my future self.
I've avoided the restaurant-QR-code deal so far. They don't have a menu I can read? I walk out.
Do you still leave if you’ve gone out to eat with someone else?
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I've been fairly successful at avoiding spots like that myself, also by just walking out. But its completely impractical if you're meeting up with (multiple) people.
Get two phones. One for carrying around, lock it down 100% with parental controls against all distractions. The other one unlocked.
Parental controls are underrated.
I've thought about doing that, but it seems to require multiple Google accounts - one for the "child" and one for the "parent", which is hard to achieve without also having multiple SIM cards with different phone numbers that can be used for the account registration. I assume the process is designed to be full of friction to prevent people from freeing themselves of the addiction.
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I'm thinking more and more of doing that, but prompted by the fact that the phone is a second-factor authenticator for so many things. I really don't want to lose that phone. I should just leave it home and carry another one just for urgent stuff.
It's just a matter of developing some self control. Be conscious about when you really need your phone (using it to pay or as your ticket) vs using is to pass time (doom scrolling X or HN)
It certainly is when you only look at the social media aspect of it. But always carrying a phone with you also brings an availability aspect with it. I know that saying "develop some self control" is usually a well intended advice, but it is very challenging for some people considering they are carrying their "trigger" basically everywhere.
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If QR codes for menus just ask at the counter.
Ours do the same but I just ask and are normally happy to talk. Personally I think the staff enjoy it as they get a few minutes of talk time rather than rush rush next order.
I fairly often go out with just my Garmin watch and an ereader (Boox 6”, which is just about pocketable).
I can sync music to it and use it for contactless payments, which is just about enough.
It’s possible to do a bit more but it’s more basic than an Apple Watch as a smartphone alternative (but much better for everything I want it for), and as I mostly use it for sports tracking and being phoneless, I haven’t set any other apps up.
Surely you can turn your phone off when you get to the cafe, and leave it off for half an hour?
It's important to challenge that assumption.
You don't have to leave your phone at home to be free of distractions. You can restrict your phone instead. I'm just a happy user, see techlockdown.com.
Their marketing is geared towards the p*rnography addiction crowd but from my own experience, it works equally well for those easily distracted by screens (I have ADHD).
I can't open the exterior doors of my apartment without an app (despite having an option for RFID dongles. they heavily advise against it)
At least I need my apple watch with cellular enabled so I can dial myself in.
I don't see any reason you need to continue using your phone once boarded. But yes parting the home without is impractical.
Oh without the exception of the occasional ticket checks or checking a connecting train, there really is no actual reason. But as everybody knows, old habits die hard.
with a modicum of self control, you can turn off your phone when it's not needed.
Humans are not rational. Even if you are 99% of the time, with a smartphone in your pocket there's a good chance you will use it for your emotional 1% within 2hours (and unravel). Read Rutger Bregman's goal for 2026: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2026/jan/04/lifes-t...
As a parent of young children I've found that I need my phone on any time my children are not with me. Calls from school or day care don't always come from the same number, so I answer every call when my kids are in the care of others (but none otherwise).
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The problem with the reliance on self control is the self control. You have it or you don't. While I generally agree just exercising pure self control may be a viable strategy for some, it does not work for everyone. Particularly people with ADHD do have a tendency to be easily captured by screens.
I've personally struggled with adherence to my reduce screen time goals and while exercising more self control has helped, making active choices about my environment did help a lot more. And I like it that way, and I hate to see these choices be torpedoed all the time
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easier for some brains than others, no? It's a sad loss of agency (for those whom it matters) to not be able to make such a simple choice to control the environmental conditions they are weak to
but i am genuinely glad for people who find that level of self-control readily accessible, that's just not me.
There's some interesting implications around the "default mode network" that's worth thinking about, and the sort of world we might be inadvertently bending toward [building] when everyone is constantly struggling to engage internal control mechanisms and depleting their ability to do other unconscious sorts of processing: https://archive.is/fYqtB
I often would go to local coffee shops with a book and journal. Leaving a device at home has nothing to do with it.
One of the reasons I don't see much value-added from meditation is that it seems like a ritualistic wrapper around something I already do and value: clearing one's head, quiet time without consuming visual stimulus and without brooding. We are prone to bombarding ourselves constantly and wonder why we're fatigued partway through the day.
I like to reserve the "thinking" component to journaling time, as that seems to help organize thoughts. Or else, do it while walking.
From the blog
>It’s contradictory to sit alone in a café. It’s against the reason cafés exist.
I had the same feeling as you. Why is it weird to do something alone ? - and like you I thought this must be an American thing. Mostly, because stuff like "eating out alone" or "going to the movies alone" was describe as weird by American authors before.
Sure, it's close to impossible to not "auto-socialize", when you are alone. It's one of the reason I like to do things alone. Either being a regular to the cafe/restaurant host or you get into contact with other people,
> why sitting alone in a café makes you a weirdo
It doesn't. That was pure projection on the author's part.
It's really just people in the suburbs and smaller cities. Doing things alone is completely normal in a city like Chicago or NY.
It's hard to put a finger on, but I do think it only "works" in a locale where you have a certain degree of anonymity, where it makes sense. Chicken egg for sure. But yeah, categorically, you can't really do city activities in the burbs, the feel isn't right.
I enjoyed the post as a whole, there’s joy in someone discovering and sharing pleasure in something you enjoy that’s new to them.
But yeah, I found the whole intro section a bit confusing because it’s just extremely common to find people enjoying an hour alone at a café here and certainly not “against the reasons cafès exist”.
> (is it an American thing?)
I don't know if the author is American but americanos are not an American thing so they are likely not in the US.
> americanos are not an American thing
Certainly every coffeeshop here in Seattle has them and and I expect most do elsewhere too.
Espresso has taken over coffeeshops such that some won't also have drip coffee anymore and if that's what you want, an Americano is approximately how to get it.
I stand corrected then. I don't remember seeing them the last time I was there 4+ years ago.
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Challenge: Find a coffee shop in the US that doesn't have Americano on the menu.
I guess my idea of US coffeeshops is dated.
The 4 weeks of Vacation was the biggest thing to make me think not American.
Most cafes even chains like Starbucks sell americanos in the USA.
Its a social class thing. Homeless people sit alone, especially the crazy ones.
No brand new iphone or new macbook means poverty which is usually not cool.
It blows peoples minds if you read a book. Not a college textbook but something for fun. Homeless people don't read so they get confused.
Its like riding the bus. There's nothing wrong with public transit, its just that its somewhere warm for poor homeless people to sit all winter, so its not very cool.
What's this hell hole you live in where you can't read a book in a cafe without the world collapsing around you?
This doesn't fit at all with my perception.
> Its like riding the bus. There's nothing wrong with public transit, its just that its somewhere warm for poor homeless people to sit all winter, so its not very cool.
Public transport often is the best and most efficient way to move within a city where I live, or in places like London, Stockholm, Berlin or quite a lot of other European cities.
> Its a social class thing. Homeless people sit alone
Really? Anyone sitting alone is a homeless one? Anyone without a shitty Apple product is poor?
> Homeless people don't read
WTF. This one made me laugh out loud. You must not have had much contact to homeless people. I have had quite a few acquaintances in my lifetime being homeless, worked with them, did social work on the side. And I got to know so many different people with different interests. Yes, a few were the stereotypical homeless person depicted in mass media. A few were highly functional members of society, had a day job 9to5 - and still lived on the street. Many had read way more books than myself - and I am an avid reader.
What is it with this stereotyping of people.
I think most people's experience of homeless people is schizophrenics talking or yelling into the air, meth heads doing their thing, and aggressive panhandlers. The rest are just invisible. Unfortunately this distortion of reality effects public policy around homelessness in bad ways.
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> It blows peoples minds if you read a book.
Where do you live that reading a book will blow people's minds? I've been in many places and see people reading books and newspapers regularly and no thinks anything of it.
What kind of city / town do you live in?
No, it's a thing everywhere to be honest. People are their with their friends and you are the only one alone.
Without phone it would be too cringe, even with phone its cringe. I behave as if though I'm texting someone. It's the societal weight of being the one who is alone.
Other people don't care nearly as much you think.
If I want to see a movie, I see a movie. If I want to travel, I travel.
Now with my last vacation I happened to be on the same continent as a long term friend who I hadn't seen in very long time. We met up, and it was like we were hanging out in college again.
But I had a great time traveling solo before that.
If you have the mentality that you need to be around your friends constantly you'll never try anything new.
other people there have no way of knowing what your situation is. maybe you were with your friends just before they came in, or maybe youre meeting someone but theyre running late. most arent even going to be paying that much attention that they would notice, and even if they do theyre going to forget about you a second later because they have theyre own things to be worrying about
Do you feel like being a weirdo when you are alone in public transit?
Maybe you should treat cafes the same?
Transit is different, you are going from one place to another. Cafes are where people that know each other come to socialize. You will almost never see a lone person in a cafe in the country where I live in, and a lively conversation tends to pull other people in as well.
It's just different so their initial thought of it being awkward without further reflection is based on reality not some blown up fear.
I also say this as someone that has no trouble striking up conversations with strangers. So not like I barely go out.
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