Comment by Aurornis
21 hours ago
> It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution.
This can become toxic in itself, though. Some times venting and being angry is what someone wants to do, but in a workplace environment that’s not a good thing to implicitly condone and support.
I’ve had some team members who just wanted to vent but not discuss solutions and (again, in a workplace, not personal relationship) it was a sign that something deeper was amiss: Being a perpetual victim of their circumstances and believing those circumstances were beyond their control was a safe, comforting place to exist. It was always easier to build up excuses that problems were thrust upon them by others, who could be held solely responsible for the results. In some cases I had to be very clear that they were responsible for working with teammates to address these issues together, not become a passive receiver of everything that happens with their peers.
Swooping in as the hero to solve everything for someone else isn’t a good solution, but (in a workplace environment) getting someone to switch from the passive victim mindset to the active mindset of engaging with their own problems is very important.
This is one topic where carrying advice from personal romantic relationships into the workplace isn’t a good idea, IMO.
Venting all the time can actually be quite harmful to the venter. Negative energy drives change and if all you're doing is offloading then you're going to get stuck in a loop of feeling bad -> vent -> repeat while the underlying problem doesn't get solved.
The next trap is loudly announcing how you’re going to get yourself out of that situation, getting the neurotransmitter hit that comes from the announcement, and then never doing it.
I have a person who has distanced themselves from me because I don’t provide the feedback they crave when they do this for the eleventieith time. I only have so many spoons and that passion play feels like throwing them in the garbage disposal. I just can’t for my own well being. Sorry.
Being stuck in any emotional overreaction state is harmful.
There are a lot of people reciting the academic concept of validating emotions without endorsing them in this thread, but in the real world when you consistently "validate emotions" of someone who is over-reacting, it becomes an implicit endorsement.
In the real world, the people I've known to get stuck in negative emotion states did much worse when they surrounded themselves with people who constantly validated their emotions in the academic speak that's being used in this thread.
We all know that person who is borderline Munchausen’s Syndrome, railing against an unjust world they have mostly manufactured for themselves. Or the person who has no life skills and blames all their problems on “bad luck”. Fortune favors the prepared mind.
His advice was specific to the husband - wife relationship. You’ll understand if you happen to get married or enter a long term relationship.
Even there, though, there needs to be a balance. Sometimes my wife needs to vent to me about her problems, and I listen. But on the other hand, sometimes I need for her to not bring stuff up with me unless it's going to lead to a solution being implemented.
> You’ll understand if you happen to get married or enter a long term relationship.
What a remarkably condescending comment. I've been happily married for a long time.
The advice to surrive the workplace is to not act like a human lol
Treating workplace relationships with the same techniques as romantic relationships is a bad idea, IMO