Comment by saaaaaam
19 hours ago
I talk to everyone. My friends and family joke that it’s impossible for me to go anywhere without getting into conversation with someone. I can’t imagine not doing it. Earlier this year I walked down the main shopping street it the part of the large city where I live, with a colleague from out of town.
A few shopkeepers waved through their windows as I went past, the greengrocer came out of his shop to have a quick chat, the dry cleaner asked after my dog, and the guy from the household shop told me they have more of the cleaning paste I use. We bumped into a couple of folk I see every couple of weeks, then got a coffee and I paid the “special” rate rather than the rate on the sign that they charge people they don’t know.
My colleague said - half jokingly - “I didn’t realise you were mayor”, and tried to convince me that I should go into local politics. She couldn’t understand when I said that would take all the pleasure out of it, because talking to people would become transactional rather than joyous.
I can’t imagine not talking to people. A while back I changed the route I take when I walk my dogs each day, and the guy who runs the local fish stall started asking people if I had left the area or died. I don’t buy fish from him each week- but every time I see him stop and we have a chat.
I feel incredibly lucky to be missed by my fishmonger just because I started walking my dogs a different route.
I grew up in a tiny village in the country. The building I live in has hundreds of people living in it, compared to the few dozen houses where I grew up. I think talking to people makes a huge city feel smaller.
I never make any small talk because I feel like I don't have anything to say or ask.
How do you know what to say? How do you make the conversation flow and not end awkwardly?
You can never go wrong with genuinely asking someone how their day is going. If someone doesn't want to talk it's very easy for them to shutdown the conversation and move on. But, I find most of the time people are dying to talk about how good/bad their day is going.
Think of it this way. Everyone's favorite topic is themselves. Give someone an opportunity to talk about themselves and most people will take it. The nuance that takes practice is not peppering the person with questions. Ask, give them time to respond, and then maybe say something from your own day and ask a follow up to something they said. That way you keep them doing most of the talking, but it's not an interrogation.
As for the awkward part, embrace it! I can be super awkward so I just run towards it. "Ending a random convo is always awkward for me, so I'll just say it was nice to chat and maybe chat again sometime." Usually there's a chuckle and done.
A few things I do: I'll point something out, and ask a question. So if I'm in a shop I'll saying something like "I've never seen that before - is it popular?"
If I'm getting a coffee if the barista says "How are you?" Rather than just saying something non-committal I'll say "I'm good thanks, it looks like you're having a busy day/quiet day - has it been like this all day?" or I'll ask a question about the beans (if it's the sort of place they regularly rotate through different beans) or I'll ask what the music that's playing is, or something like that. You can immediately tell if someone wants to continue the conversation. And obviously, if it's busy I won't try to engage them in a longer conversation unless they seem to want to.
If I'm waiting for a bus or a train asking someone "Do you know if this one goes to....{destination}?" is an easy start - obviously, even if you know it does, and you want to talk to someone, it's a good start. And then you can say "Thanks, that's really helpful, I'm going to {destination} so that I can {do a thing}. How about you - are you going anywhere nice today?"
The key thing is knowing whether someone is open to a longer conversation. That's something you can only learn by pushing through the awkwardness of people shutting you down and turning away, or making it clear they don't want to talk.
But when they do, it's almost always very enjoyable, even if it's only a few minutes.
It's amazing the difference you'll find if you go to the same shops/places regularly and make the effort to exchange a genuine human interaction with the people you meet - they remember you, and they make an effort to do things to please you. That's not why I do it, it's a positive consequence.
I think the biggest thing is to have the conversations with people with no agenda. You're not trying to achieve something, you're just exchanging a pleasant interaction with someone, and hopefully you both leave feeling a little more connected to the world.
And always ending by saying something like "Well, it was nice talking to you! See you around!/have a lovely day/something".
If you can leave people feeling like you liked the interaction, you'll gradually feel like the interactions are pleasant.
You don't need something big to say.
And having dogs helps a LOT.
It doesn't really matter what you have to say or ask - basically the point of small talk is to express to people "I like you!". Just try to find something to like and the conversation comes (not always, but usually)
> talking to people would become transactional rather than joyous
Only if you let it! I am guessing you would do well, because people can absolutely tell when you are being a smarmy politician and when you're actually a legitimately friendly, decent person.
It’s still tainted though. Even if OP buries that underlying transaction, the other people he is talking to might (like I would) assume OP is bullshitting to placate me and secure my vote.
I’ve got a terrible poker face. People would instantly rumble me. So as soon as I had to talk to someone with politician face it would all go wrong.
I think it depends.
Having the kind of network and connections you do connects you with the actual needs of your community
At which point, it's not necessarily Transactional, but fostering connection and collaboration in order to create win-win situations for everyone in your community.
That's what politicking Should be.
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> She couldn’t understand when I said that would take all the pleasure out of it, because talking to people would become transactional rather than joyous.
It doesn't have to and I suspect that's why your colleague suggested it. Politicians act that way because that's what people want except they don't want someone who is acting.
You have what politicians pretend to have because it makes people like them.
You might be a terrible politician for other reasons but I don't think what you've said is true.
I'm surprised by all the people saying they dislike transactional talk. Voluntary trades are positive sum by definition, so a good transactional conversation should also be a joyous one.
There are plenty of politicians who get into politics precisely because they love interacting with everyone.
It doesn't take the pleasure out of it, it doesn't make it transactional. It just gives them incredible job fulfillment, at least in that part of it.
Bill Clinton was famous for this. It was incredibly frustrating to his staff because he was constantly late for his next event, because he always wanted to keep talking to the people he'd just met. They'd have to build in buffer time to plan around it, because otherwise it wound up disrupting his schedule and logistics too much.
Yeah, especially with the interns.
Hey bud, with all due respect, you’re arguing against who someone believes they are.
Hold on… what do I believe I am?!
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