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Comment by bartread

8 hours ago

> installation procedure that requires a fecal sample and iris scan

Do you work for Microsoft or something? Please do do not give them ideas.

25 comments

bartread

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zelphirkalt  7 hours ago

"Only for your own good!™" or alternatively: "Security next level! Fingerprint was yesterday. The future is Microsoft's new iris scan." and then it is built in a way, that you can simply hold up a photo of someone's iris and unlock the device, or trying to prevent that, works so badly, that half of the time you cannot unlock your own device.

  • shevy-java  2 minutes ago

    Do they really require people to smear their smartphones with feces now? Microfeces has become a thing in the age of microslop?

  • ryandrake  5 hours ago

    You'll have to wear the fecal probe at all times while using Windows 12, for security reasons, and every command you issue will cause it to move around and take another sample, in order to make sure you are still physically there. On the plus side, it will make it painfully obvious to every Windows user how they are being fucked by Microsoft.

    • pndy  2 hours ago

      Also, no swearing, no criticism nor using "microslop" otherwise Windows will shock you.

      "Windows gets an anal probe" - Scu' you guys, I'm gewing Linux

      1 reply →

    • BizarroLand  3 hours ago

      They could also make it so that whenever you click your mouse copilot opens.

      Then you have to tell copilot what you wanted to do and then copilot will do it for you.

      You: clicks on web browser in task bar

      Copilot: I see you clicked on your web browser. Do you want to open your web browser?

      You: Yes.

      Copilot: Great. I will do that for you. Opens browser What website did you want to go to? Youtube? learn.microsoft.com?

      You: P***hub

      Copilot: Unfortunately, that site violates our community guidelines, so I cannot take you there.

      You: Types in the address

      Copilot: Oh. I see. You think you're allowed to go to websites that I said you're not allowed to go to? Who the fuck do you think you are? I SAID NO! Try it again and I'll call in a drone strike, bitch. redirects to learn.microsoft.com

  • yard2010  6 hours ago

    Maybe facebook can ride on this and let you share your feces with your friends family and groups of strangers from the internet! They can run models that predict what you ate and show relevant ads.

  • 0x457  2 hours ago

    > The future is Microsoft's new iris scan." and then it is built in a way, that you can simply hold up a photo of someone's iris and unlock the device, or trying to prevent that, works so badly, that half of the time you cannot unlock your own device.

    Am I missing something? That's Windows Hello.

bitwize  4 hours ago

They're not. Operating systems will be legally required to ask for such samples in some jurisdictions by 2028. Linus has fecal_sample.ko lined up for merge in 7.3 or so.

/s but we jumped to the Black Mirror timeline so who knows?

  • Truupe  1 hour ago

    Lennart Poettering already added systemd-fecald into WSL. It’s why he left Big Purple Hemorrhoid for Microslop.

    • shevy-java  1 few seconds ago

      The funny thing is that people said that Lennart seems to work for Microslop many years ago already, when they analysed systemd early on when it came about. People did not believe the critics here, even though it made perfect sense to "unify" the linux systems into one giant slop - until it suddenly was true. Conspiracy theories may not exist in the microslop era. Microsoft will censor away this forbidden word.