Comment by the__alchemist

>> Dating is a kick in the butt

DON'T DO ONLINE DATING. Online dating has wrecked mating except for the most attractive 5%. Online dating is mostly a looks competition as first step. And you are saying you don't have the looks to win that game, so you need to play a different type of mating game.

Go to meetups instead via meetup.com and also look for local group activities happening on EventBrite - don't make finding a partner the focus or even the objective - go to a ton of meetups doing the things you love doing.

People form relationships doing common interests and having shared experiences. Have shared experiences with people and take finding a partner off the agenda - just enjoy the company of others. You never know what might happen but don't go looking for it.

I can tell you this for sure - many women are looking for a partner of character - someone kind who actually wishes to engage in relationship - a genuine person - and if time is taken to form relationship well in advance of the "will you be my girlfriend" pressure, then how you look is very often just not an issue. Have you noticed how when you get to know someone you see their character as much as their outward appearance? You might need to let people learn who you are gently and over time.

As for being charismatic or funny, as Oscar Wilde said: Be yourself - everyone else is taken.

Just do other things you like and don't worry about women. Relationships bring heartache and grief a good percentatge of the time anyway. Being engaged in things you like doing will bring you into contact with others and friendships or more may develop. But don't do them with that expectation.

If you don't know what to do, try to get involved with helping others in some way. It can be rewarding and give you a broader perspective on life.

A helpful thought for me was that literally everyone could reject you, except one person, and that's all you need is just that one person. Also along with that principle, maybe 99% of people actually aren't a good match for me, so if I mostly don't "click" with other people, that's totally fine — I don't know if I would want to be with 99% of possible people myself even if they were interested in me. It's just about finding the right kind of person that's similar to you. People with unique attributes may find someone else with the same unique attributes, or the other person may possess unique attributes that might somehow be a good fit for your unique attributes.

I heard that before when I just started dating. I would say don't worry about the outcome (especially pertaining to one person - you know close to nothing about them early on anyway), just try to connect with people. In my case, it would've helped calm my nerves, which were a hindrance. I've been with my partner for 8 years. A given outcome is never preordained and you don't need everyone to like you, just the one that you click with if you don't let rejection discourage you.

Just visit/move to Philippines/China or (South) East Asia in general, if you are 40 (and white) you will have absolutely zero problems to find someone who will make you happy, though I would be realistic about age difference, which will either make you walking ATM or real partner.

I am funny and at least somewhat charismatic but I'm gay and gay dating is simply broken. Both online and physical places focus on quick, cheap, sexual encounters. Meeting dudes outside of gay spaces results in max 5% chance that dude is also gay, which is a pathetic thing to be working with. I'm really not convinced that this life is worth living.

The most terrifying realization is that I've already spent pretty much half of my life yearning for love and not getting it. Even if I magically get married soon, it'll feel like a consolation prize.

How are you extremely skinny? Do you have a digestive issue or something?

I struggled with weight gain for many years due to crippling IBS but I found some relief while bulking from a certain probiotic. (Got lucky - dozens of things I tried including fodmap, etc. never worked. That said, the probiotic only helps - not solves... and doesn't solve my absorption issues)

Surgery, steroids, and a serious bulk are in order if you're serious.

> (Think Oppenheimer or Bin Laden)

Lol you went from 0 to 100% really quickly there.

being funny and charismatic are something it is possible to practice, same as lifting weights. From what you say, sounds like a high leverage thing to look into

"not into dogs".

That's OK, most of the single woman I know don't care if you like pets or not. As for how you look that's not a huge problem - again most of those same women have expectations in the looks department that are best described as average. And you're gainfully employed! This is better and better.

The only thing I can suggest is to put yourself in a position to meet more women because the more actual real life women you meet the better the chance of finding one that feels that spark.

  So far as I know (and maybe you can come up with more) there are two solid ways of meeting women.  One is to hang out where they are.  This is tricky because the closer this gets to a cattle call (think going out to a bar ) the more artificial and tricky this gets.  Dating apps are like that but in spades.  

  Option two is those woman who didn't "feel the spark".  Here me out.

  Here's what you say.  "This clearly isn't working out for you.  But rather then this being a total loss, want to get to get together with some friends of mine and just hang out as friends?"  or even, "Hey, you have friends - maybe there's no spark here but how about if I hang out with your friends?".

  See, if you have female friends it's like another person helping you find someone to be not single with.  Woman are a gregarious lot and they tend to both know a lot of people and to know a lot of women.  I trust that it's not hard to see how this can work.

   Eh, that's how it worked for me but your millage may vary.

> and am not into dogs

That's fine. Women are more likely to be into cats anyways.

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