Comment by sheena
15 years ago
I wonder if there is a way to bring realizations born of other people's experiences home in any meaningful way. I sometimes think about what advice I'd give my 17-year-old self if I had to attend college again, but I admit that the younger me likely wouldn't have listened. It's hard to know what to value in the moment, and I find it's equally hard to absorb what others with the benefit of hindsight tell you. I'd bet that none of these expressed regrets really surprises any of us, but chances are we'll all have the same ones on our own deathbeds -- despite knowing better.
People will always need to learn on their own time and in their own way. The best thing you can do for someone is give them a safe environment to make mistakes.
If you've raised your 17 y/o in a way that has imbued him with the principles behind your realizations, there's no need to give him any specific advice about college. Passing on that knowledge is not about specific advice: it's about the way you raise your children; about the way you counteract what 'society' teaches them it expects and freeing them to make choices that will make them happier instead of what makes others happier.
Heh, I was talking about my 17-year-old self, not my 17-year-old child (a terrifying thought). My point was more that a lot of advice has a catch-22-ish quality in that only experience makes its truth sink in, by which time it's often too late.
What advice would you have given your 17 year old self? (I am 16)
The problem is that almost everyone is lopsided in some way: they excel at something, and are deficient in other things, but almost always in unique ways. Often, the time that they lack in other areas has caused them to grow in others, and it's that growth that gives them an edge in life. Most nerds know this: often they have exchanged social skills for technical skills by the choice of how they spend their time, and how that choice reinforces itself because of how comfortable they feel in different situations.
So many of the things you learn, things you'd like your 17 year old self to know, are things that other 17 year olds already know; and vice versa.
All I can really say is to explore the boundaries, do things that stretch yourself, that scare you, to minimize the risk of getting caught in local maxima. Learn to understand how your mind plays tricks on you, tries to stop you from growing. Think of e.g. showing an older grandparent how to use a PC, and of how difficult they find it, how they can't play with it, and learn on their own, because they lack the confidence; and how frustrating it can be when you know it's not actually hard, and all they need to be is open and playful. Keep that in mind when you think something is too hard or that you're not good at it; watch out for your own mind telling you to give up.
> So many of the things you learn, things you'd like your 17 year old self to know, are things that other 17 year olds already know; and vice versa.
Indeed, and many parents make a mistake by not realizing this.
They think about what they missed in their lives (e.g. money) and they want their children to have it, so they force them to go to med school and make their lives miserable by being too strict about studying and discipline.
They never look at what they themselves (the parents) had and took for granted (e.g. freedom, social life) and they don't see that their children don't have these things. The parents might even view these things as unimportant, because after all, they had a social life in their youth, but it didn't earn them any money! So it's better for their children to not have a social life, but instead get a good career so that they can earn money!
Here are some things I wish I understood when I was 17:
1. Being "unique" doesn't mean trying to alienate everyone else. Many of the people that you meet, and who seem simple or uninteresting, have a great story to tell or a special talent to share. So, trying to "fit in" a little bit and getting to know lots of people doesn't make you a lesser person in any way; it makes you greater for the broader perspectives that you will get.
2. As you begin to learn to find something of value in each person, also begin to learn to find something of value in the work that you do. Stubbornly refusing to do homework only hurts you, and proves nothing. This is the best time to begin developing the discipline required to focus completely on a mundane task and finish it as quickly as possible; if you can get the hang of that, then there's no job you can't master.
3. Do not talk yourself out of saying "hi" to that girl. You're missing out on a lot of fun, it won't hurt you, and the sooner you start practicing this the sooner you'll get the hang of it.
4. Make sure you maintain a healthy balance in your life. Working all day behind a computer and then going home to play around with a computer until the early morning will eventually cause you to burn out and completely disrupt everything you have in order to feel healthy again. Even though you enjoy it now, you're better off leaving some time for learning how to work on a car, or running around outside, or socializing; then you'll have something to do when you can't stand working on a computer anymore.
5. Most of all, spend less time on the internet. In 10 years you'll barely remember any of the message boards that are so important to you now; you'll have trouble remembering many of the people that you associate with online; you won't be certain exactly what it was you did with all your time online. If you want to socialize, meet some people in person; if you want to learn something, start with a book; if you want to waste some time, try another hobby; and if you want pornography, try finding a girl to say hi to instead.
6. Oh, and finally: you probably won't heed any of this advice anyway, because you're irrationally stubborn, determined to do things your own way, and still struggling with some bad habits that you refuse to get help with. That's OK. You'll be fine so long as you keep pushing yourself a little bit every day.
I'm sure none of these apply to you, but I wished I knew them 15 years ago. :-)
3. Do not talk yourself out of saying "hi" to that girl. You're missing out on a lot of fun, it won't hurt you, and the sooner you start practicing this the sooner you'll get the hang of it.
I agree, but I would extend it beyond "that girl" and say that it applies to anyone that you think seems interesting. Everyone craves human interaction and almost everyone has a story to tell. Don't be afraid to say hello.
Another bit I would add is to avoid high debt. This will be hard because our entire society is set up to take on debt in your college years and then pay it off once you get a good job afterward. I'm 26 now, and I have nearly $60K in debt. I have to pay a minimum of $1000 a month on those debts, while my rent, utilities, and other costs typically come in under $1000. If I didn't have debt, I could bartend 10 nights a month and make enough to live on. Instead, I work 40-50 hours a week in a tech job that I hate, leaving me thoroughly uninspired and unmotivated to do personal programming work once I get home.
My grandmother gave me similar advice and I didn't take it to heart. All I thought was, "I can work my butt off now at $5-8 an hour, or I can take on debt and pay it off after school when I'm making $50-70K per year." Your future self will be pretty annoyed at you if you use this same rationalization.
"In 10 years you'll barely remember any of the message boards that are so important to you now."
I couldn't disagree more. The majority of my closest friendships and professional opportunities have come from time spent on the Internet. I'm probably an extreme case, but people "on the Internet" are no more real than people you meet face-to-face, and online friendships can and do turn into real-life friendships, and vice versa.
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Great list. Just a few more items I wish I'd realized at 17.
1. When you go to college study something you're interested in. I studied math and found it a challenge but I wasn't passionate about it. If I had a do-over, I'd double in computer science and music.
2. Keep in mind that whatever you choose to study has a "business" side to it. The business side is how you earn a living in that industry. Go into your chosen field understanding how you will earn a living. Reaching out to established people is the best way to learn about it and develop a network to help you.
3. My parents have their own issues but they are "normal", meaning not systematic abusers of any kind. They did understand what I was going through at 17 - I just felt I was unique.
PG wrote a fantastic essay that I wish my 17 yo self had read. (http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html) Of particular note is the following paragraph.
"Teenage kids used to have a more active role in society. In pre-industrial times, they were all apprentices of one sort or another, whether in shops or on farms or even on warships. They weren't left to create their own societies. They were junior members of adult societies."
Great suggestions, a few of them I've been trying to take onboard already. I've found running has been great to get away from the 'net!
You'll be fine so long as you keep pushing yourself a little bit every day.
That is a great quote.