Comment by jdbernard
6 years ago
Here's the suggestion: don't ask!
This is bad advice and I hope nobody takes it. We learn from each other. I've very glad I didn't have to learn everything I know first-hand.
Personally I am honored when people think highly enough of me to feel like they can learn from my experience. I also like learning new things, so if there was some obvious answer that I just missed of course I want to know about it!
The correct answer is first form a relationship, then ask. The author worries:
I have realized I honestly don't know how to express my question to make clear that I mean #2, without including a ridiculously long and pleading disclaimer before what should be a short question.
It's perfectly ok to have that long preface the first time you ask this kind of question. "Sorry to be long-winded, but since we don't know each other that well yet I just want to be clear: I don't understand why you didn't choose XYZ? I'm interested in learning about this but I haven't spent as much time on it as you have. I would have tried XYZ but I'm assuming there was some issue. What was the issue?"
In general over time people will learn your character and your intention. If you are truly humble and trying to learn they will come to expect that attitude of humility from you and the long preamble won't be necessary.
In situations where you don't have the opportunity to build a continuing relationship just accept that the verbosity of your question is the price of clear communication without the context of an existing relationship.
But please, please keep asking questions, even if they seem obvious. That's how we grow.
I'm not saying "don't ask questions." I'm saying "Don't ask that specific question that specific way. Get the same information by asking about the problem that's trying to be solved for long enough that you come to the same conclusion that they did that an off the shelf solution doesn't work. And if that never happens and you're never led to believe that an off the shelf solution was inadequate, then just say so."
That sounds like a colossal waste of time when you could learn just as much by asking that specific question.