Comment by pdonis
6 years ago
The article leaves out the most important question: why do you want to ask why they didn't just...?
Even assuming that your intentions are entirely good and you totally intended only the author's response #2 and there was no element of response #1 at all (yes, you can see I'm skeptical of such claims--why will appear in a moment), the mere fact that you feel so compelled to ask why they didn't just... implies exactly the opinion of them that response #1 makes explicit. Obviously your own curiosity is so important that it outweighs anything else, and obviously your curiosity must have some basis, and so on and so on.
In other words, the correct answer to the question the author asks at the end--"What to do?"--is: NOTHING. If they want your advice, they'll ask for it. If they don't ask, then keep your trap shut. It isn't about you.
(I note, btw, that the article by Mike Hoye that this article links to makes exactly the same point I just made--which raises the obvious question of why this article's author apparently didn't grasp it.)
Someone may be genuinely interested in feedback. In such cases, you want to be polite and respectful while still communicating that "This is my first thought." It gives both parties room to maneuver and save face. That framing makes it possible for them to reject the feedback without suggesting anything negative about you (like "No, you're the idiot here!").
You may be genuinely trying to understand it yourself, in which case it's going to be easier to comprehend what's going on if you can relate it to the existing framing in your mind without offending them. It takes a lot of time and energy to mentally move from "My first thought is X" to "How do I say this in a way that elicits information without me sounding like I'm judging...etc?" There isn't enough time and energy in the day for every single social interaction to meet the standards for some kind of international diplomatic mission, but you also don't want to just excuse outright rude behavior. It's reasonable to explore your options if you as an individual run into a particular social thing repeatedly so you can handle it not horribly without being at the top of your diplomatic game every nanosecond of the freaking day.
Last, if you have enough education/experience related to X, you may actually have a better answer at first glance. They might actually be interested in improving it and open to your suggestions -- again, if you can share that information without unduly stepping on toes.
Sometimes trying too hard to be polite and respectful and perfect is actually antithetical to any kind of meaningful communication. Good social practices have to be tolerant of a little friction while seeking to lubricate it so it doesn't rub people the wrong way to an aggravating and problematic degree.
This is counter-intuitive. To genuinely connect socially/intellectually, there will be some friction. If there isn't any friction, you aren't actually connecting with people. But you don't want it to be excessively rough because that's counterproductive.
> Someone may be genuinely interested in feedback.
> You may be genuinely trying to understand it yourself
> if you have enough education/experience related to X, you may actually have a better answer at first glance. They might actually be interested in improving it and open to your suggestions
If any of these things are true, you will either know them well enough to know how to talk to them about it, or they will ask you explicitly for your input. In either case, you will not need to write an article asking the entire Internet for suggestions on how to talk to them.
In other words, I am not saying the things you describe cannot happen; I am saying that the fact that the author of this article had to write it at all means none of the things you describe are happening in the case he describes. If they were, he would know it and wouldn't have had to write the article in the first place.
Not everyone is equally socially astute. Some people aren't good at inferring such things. Such people need to work at it to make their life work.
Even if you are innately good at it, you may not automatically know how to handle it well if it's a new context in some way. This can include being a foreign national or facing other cultural barriers.
The most socially astute people aren't simply "born with" such talents. They work at it on top of whatever natural talents they are fortunate to have.
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