Comment by DoreenMichele
6 years ago
Someone may be genuinely interested in feedback. In such cases, you want to be polite and respectful while still communicating that "This is my first thought." It gives both parties room to maneuver and save face. That framing makes it possible for them to reject the feedback without suggesting anything negative about you (like "No, you're the idiot here!").
You may be genuinely trying to understand it yourself, in which case it's going to be easier to comprehend what's going on if you can relate it to the existing framing in your mind without offending them. It takes a lot of time and energy to mentally move from "My first thought is X" to "How do I say this in a way that elicits information without me sounding like I'm judging...etc?" There isn't enough time and energy in the day for every single social interaction to meet the standards for some kind of international diplomatic mission, but you also don't want to just excuse outright rude behavior. It's reasonable to explore your options if you as an individual run into a particular social thing repeatedly so you can handle it not horribly without being at the top of your diplomatic game every nanosecond of the freaking day.
Last, if you have enough education/experience related to X, you may actually have a better answer at first glance. They might actually be interested in improving it and open to your suggestions -- again, if you can share that information without unduly stepping on toes.
Sometimes trying too hard to be polite and respectful and perfect is actually antithetical to any kind of meaningful communication. Good social practices have to be tolerant of a little friction while seeking to lubricate it so it doesn't rub people the wrong way to an aggravating and problematic degree.
This is counter-intuitive. To genuinely connect socially/intellectually, there will be some friction. If there isn't any friction, you aren't actually connecting with people. But you don't want it to be excessively rough because that's counterproductive.
> Someone may be genuinely interested in feedback.
> You may be genuinely trying to understand it yourself
> if you have enough education/experience related to X, you may actually have a better answer at first glance. They might actually be interested in improving it and open to your suggestions
If any of these things are true, you will either know them well enough to know how to talk to them about it, or they will ask you explicitly for your input. In either case, you will not need to write an article asking the entire Internet for suggestions on how to talk to them.
In other words, I am not saying the things you describe cannot happen; I am saying that the fact that the author of this article had to write it at all means none of the things you describe are happening in the case he describes. If they were, he would know it and wouldn't have had to write the article in the first place.
Not everyone is equally socially astute. Some people aren't good at inferring such things. Such people need to work at it to make their life work.
Even if you are innately good at it, you may not automatically know how to handle it well if it's a new context in some way. This can include being a foreign national or facing other cultural barriers.
The most socially astute people aren't simply "born with" such talents. They work at it on top of whatever natural talents they are fortunate to have.
> Some people aren't good at inferring such things.
And my advice to those people is exactly what I said: if you're not sure how to communicate what you think is a good suggestion, or how to ask a question you're curious about, without giving offense, because you don't know the people or their work well enough, then don't do anything. That uncertainty you feel is a clue: it means you shouldn't be doing anything at all. Heed it.
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