Comment by prashnts
3 years ago
A good read, thanks. I like the description of take/give sides and it's well portrayed. I wondered if there's any take home message here for salvaging a give-take conversation.
I'd crudely deduct that being takers/givers in a conversation may be a function of cultural, linguistic, social, and intellectual dimensions coupled with personal, emotional, and ambient states a person is in.
As such there's really very little just one party can do to have a better conversation flowing on their own. So apart from affordance, I think participation seems to also be a key factor and can be seen as "push or pull or slide" aspect of that doorknob.
For me, I grew up a Taker. I'm not sure if this was a cultural thing (my parents are takers), a regional thing (western NY), or a me-being-an-unaware-dork thing (I was).
But now I find myself surrounded by Givers. I'm not sure if this is a cultural thing (SF tech scene), a regional thing (west coast), or a my-social-circle thing.
So I had to learn to be a giver to make any friends. What's interesting is that my old friends are mostly Takers. I imagine this was a selection bias: givers got bored of talking to me quickly! I get together with some old friends from college once or twice a year and every time it's a bit jarring for the first hour as I have to switch to all-take mode.
Anyway, the point being that I think you can learn to switch, and to blend between the two modes. In fact, I think being able to do so is generally good and helpful.
I think it's very much a west-coast / upper-middle-class liberal thing. I noticed it dramatically when I moved to the west coast (Seattle, in my case).
People think it's being polite and decent but to me it just seems boring.
Anecdotally I think 'taker'-ness is associated with immigrant cultures (Jewish and Italian come to mind, but I think it includes others also).
So... is Seattle giver or taker?
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I wouldn't say the traits are universal, as in someone is always a giver or someone is always a taker, but rather it depends heavily on context. For example, I've noticed I'm mostly a giver when I'm talking to my parents, because I'm very interested in hearing what they have to say while they're still around, whereas I'm often a taker around my friends. The answer to your question then would be to be flexible and match your conversation partner. If you find your partner to be a giver, you too can try to give to meet them halfway, similarly for the other option.