Comment by mabbo
2 years ago
> Deciding what to eat for dinner with guess-culture people isn’t as simple as asking people what they want to eat for dinner, because they will not tell you what they actually want to want to eat for dinner.
This was nearly a deal-breaking problem early in my relationship with my wife. I am "ask", she is "guess". We just want to figure out what we're going to order for dinner, why on earth is this turning into a fight?
What we came up with was a simple system.
Person A presents three options, all of which they like. Person B picks from those three options. If they don't like any of the three, swap roles, and person B presents three options. If person A doesn't like any of those three options, give up and just go get dinner separately (this has never actually happened, yet).
Everyone is getting their preference in some way. No one has to guess what the other person wants. Fights are avoided.
I feel you. Some "guess" people are unable to just state what they want because they think it places a burden on the other person. But keeping your desires hidden creates an even larger burden! Just tell me what you want for dinner!
I play a similar game with my wife. Whenever we have a hard time choosing something, I present 5+ options, and we take turns eliminating one option until only one is left.
as someone from a heavily "guess" culture i'd say it's less about "keeping your desires hidden" and more about we are trained from birth to literally not think about our own desires. Like we would find it difficult to write down on a piece of paper in an empty room. Instead you are supposed to look after the needs of other people even as they look after you.
In some ways its sort of more resillient, like if one person has a critical failure or can't be present, others can help, and because many people know you, it is a web that can witstand the loss of one or several members. You don't have to use your own limited mental capacity to make decisions (especially if you're struggling or need help) and you get warm feeling of connection from helping others.
The guess way of choosing whats for dinner would be if you're feeling good you pick what you know your partner likes. If you're feeling bad or struggling to decide they suggest what you like. Of course, this relies on you actually knowing what they like - remembering times they enjoyed something, knowing what to fall back on when they are vulnerable or struggling. You know the things they like from observing them intently, their body language, their tone of voice, etc when you eat. They will find it difficult to express whether they like something explicitly unless they really hate or love it.
Some may find it exhausting having to intently observe but for the people I know in this sort of culture it's instictive, like you literally couldn't not do that even if you tried.
That solution is a bit like the game theory solution of "I cut, you choose". https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divide_and_choose
Yup. It works well for both types of people as well.