Comment by retrac
2 years ago
That may work relatively well with consumables like food. But it extends in many directions. I have fans and a space heater and extra blankets and etc. All of them are available for a houseguest to use. Many of them are stored in the guest room.
I've had "guess culture" people stay over. Really, in my mind they don't even need to ask. They're already welcome to take an extra blanket. But they won't even ask, and they certainly wouldn't presume. They are indeed waiting on me to say "oh, if you're warm the fan can be plugged in, and there's some extra blankets in the closet if you want". Though in my mind, I don't need to say that. And if I don't say it they may go very uncomfortable.
I'm most used to giving such reassurances to children, and to give them to adults seems a little infantilizing. But that's my relatively "ask culture" background in action, probably.
That's a great example. Unfortunately it's also not super helpful to dichotomize the difference, because most people are a mix of both in different ways.
For example, under extreme stress or illness, a lot of "ask" people will turn into "guess what I want or life hates me" people.
And it's not exactly unheard of for guessers to turn into power-trippers under stress and become over-direct when just a little bit of directness is a better idea.
Sometimes guessers even use this entire us-them concept as a way to subtly preach to askers, but really it's a two-way street. If you've ever lived or worked under an unethical or abusive guesser, you may have developed a very strong sense of the hypocrisy of the "askers are blunt and mean" comparison which often comes out in discussions with guessers.
Fortunately though there is a lot of nuance to work with on both sides in most cases. (And again, dichotomizing this is not great in so many ways)
Well, exactly - it's about things like consumables where you're asking to take something. For example, "may I have a glass of water?" would have been fine with my dad. (And it was drummed into me it's rude not to offer somebody at least a glass of water when they're in your house!)
Basic comfort items where you're not using up someone's limited resources == no problem.
> to give them to adults seems a little infantilizing
The 'mi casa es su casa / make yourself at home' concept is perfectly normal and won't cause offense to anyone, surely?
I don’t think that concept in itself causes offense, but the fact that guests often don’t dare to actually live by it and prefer to be a little cold over an extra blanket…
First, you should let people know, that if they need anything, they can ask.
Then, there are levels. If it's just on the edge of being colder than I'd like, I might not say anything because the effort isn't worth it. It's 65 instead of 70, I'll live. But if you ask me tomorrow how was it, I'll tell you, "Slightly cooler than I'm used to, but no problem". And people will make a fuss and say "Well, why didn't you aaaassssk" Because, like I also said, it wasn't a problem.
Are they supposed to just know the blankets are in your closet?
I think someone could say they are cold and ask for more blankets, and the owner could say they don't have any more blankets
They're supposed to ask
Borrowing a fan purposed built for guests is not an imposition, and a imposition is what "ask" people have no problem with.
Well to offer the other side. What if they don’t know you have these things readily available?