Comment by burlesona
2 years ago
This is fascinating to me, because I'm from the southern US and strongly align to "ask culture" and my wife is from the northwest and strongly aligns to "guess" culture.
I wonder how much it's about individual family background and not strongly regional?
When you say that your experience in the south is more Ask -- who is usually doing the asking, host or guest?
I said this down the thread but my experience (grew up in the south) has always been that Southerners are very up-front about trying to meet your needs before you can even ask for them. That was always how I was taught to host, anyway.
And I think that weirdly, that's more aligned with Guess culture: the person who needs something should never have to ask for it.
No, for my family growing up, nobody was going to try and read your mind, if you want something say something. For her family, they are always trying to anticipate needs. For her, if I'm not anticipating needs and taking care of them -- ie, if she has to ask -- then I'm being rude.
Yes, I'm with you on considering this to be a guess culture thing (since you have to be sensitive to what they might need, likely want)
> This is fascinating to me, because I'm from the southern US and strongly align to "ask culture"
As a southerner, I don't agree. It's split by the directionality of the request. And I think that's what makes southern culture distinct.
We'd never "ask" when we're the guest, only when we're the host. "Ask"-y guests are considered rude. "Guess"-y hosts are considered unwelcoming and inhospitable.
You can "ask" a stranger how they're doing or if they need anything, but you don't impose upon them. It's often common to strike up conversations this way.
It's a directionality. "Ask" when you're the giver, "guess" when you're the receiver.
You always hold the door. You don't ask for someone to do it for you, but you probably feel miffed if they don't, because it's expected that everyone extends each other courtesy.
"Southern hospitality".
I reckon it has got to do with bein rural and poor, or maybe different kinds of european family cultures preserving different attitudes? Where I'm from in the south you didn't ask at all if you knew what was good for you all about keepin up appearances and you had to be all sly about helping people out. More poor somebody is more sly you got to be. Bein in a city nobody gives a darn but way back when that darn was given pretty darn hard.
Just a guess but could be that attitude has lots more to do with how many are poor or not and how many generations they've been poor, or lived in cities, like a lag time sorta thing. Nothing I really know about just sharing because it might be interesting even if wrong
yeah im from the south and there is definitely a level of up-front-ness that i'm not sure the parent comment is talking about. like a level of exuberance and get-it-out-ness that often borders on belligerence
"yall doin okay?"
This is counterintuitive, but in the framing of the article, I think that "y'all doin okay?" would actually be part of Guess culture, not Ask culture. It's just a very up-front manifestation of dealing with Guess culture, I think..? It's not Ask culture because the person who needs something is not doing the asking.
This is abstract, but stay with me here
I'm also Southern, and I think that the inclination towards that kind of belligerent helpfulness comes from trying to figure out what your guests want, and making sure they don't have to ask you for anything.
in my experience the response is "we're all good out here, but thank you!" -- which is classic Guess culture
I'm the original commenter, and I agree with you. The person you're responding to is accurate about that "friendly belligerence", but whenever I go down there I get all the "y'all doin' all right?" questions by hosts who are trying to see if I need anything.
Yeah, I'm a lifelong southerner (18 years in MS, 6 in AL, now 29 in Houston). We're pretty up front about what's going on across the board. If you come to a southerner's house, there's usually already hospitality happening -- but if you want something, ask! Just realize we'll say "no" if it's not something we're going to do.
This is jarring to people who cannot receive a no, or who cannot articulate one.
Questions like that really... confuse me, because is it just a generic 'hello' or a serious question?
In my own experience, I once had an obnoxious colleague who asked "How was your weekend?". I didn't like the question because one, I don't like to talk about what I do / did in my spare time, and two, it was leading because the guy was really really eager to talk about HIS weekend, but... I didn't care, or else I would've asked.
If it's coming from someone who could even remotely be considered a "host" to you, it's definitely a serious question, and they actively want to fulfill any needs you might have. Southern hospitality is a super real thing, it's pretty awesome.
If it's said as a greeting, "how y'all doing?" usually means "how are your family?," which also tends to be meant very genuinely.
Even outside of a host-guest dynamic, I do think Southerners tend to care more about pleasantries; when they ask about your weekend, they're a little more likely to really want to know.
Of course, this is all very broad strokes based on anecdotal experience. Plenty of cold/self-aggrandizing jerks in the South, too!
It sounds more like you just don’t enjoy small talk.
Couldn’t help but listen it in Ted Lasso’s voice. Thanks for that beautiful moment.
> "yall doin okay?"
Speaking as a Southerner, this sentence is so on point.
I grew up in the South. Daddy was a Hoosier and spent a lot of years in the army and retired in Georgia. Mom is a German immigrant.
The upper classes of the Deep South, where people are very religious and often call folks "Mr./Mizz. First Name" as a mark of both respect and familiarity at the same time, seem to skew Guess culture. But then the upper classes generally seem to skew Guess culture.
The South is also a place where people are more likely to own guns and join the military. Military culture is mostly Ask culture. They tend to be very direct and some people find this refreshing/no BS and others find it rude, crude and socially unacceptable if you are influenced by that.
Working class stiffs in the South may be more influenced by the very direct Ask culture of the American military.
So it's probably a lot more complex than regional cultures.
Most of the working class whites I know from the south in the military, or more middle class southerners for that matter seem highly mannered and polite, not really “ask” culture.
That doesn't actually contradict anything I said. I'm not suggesting that only upper class Southerners have the famous Southern Manners and Southern Hospitality.
Just that there are variances across the region and those are some influences I know of.
I suspect class culture has something to do with it as well. I can think of iconic examples of both behaviours in north & south.