Comment by Delk
2 years ago
I feel somewhat conflicted about this. I'm from Finland, and while we aren't technically Scandinavian and might be something of an outlier among Northern Europeans in general, the stereotype is that we're not fond of small talk and prefer to be to the point and perhaps even blunt. But in terms of asking for things, I don't feel like I identify with the culture of directly asking. Feeling out or giving hints that I might appreciate some help without making outright requests seems a lot less intrusive and graceful to me. And while personality is probably also a factor, I don't think it's just me.
I think we're generally a high-context culture, and the "guessing" culture as postulated in the post immediately reminds me of that. I don't know if other Northern European cultures are less high-context but it makes me wonder if high vs. low context (possibly similar to guessing vs. asking) is not quite the same axis as bluntness.
Definitely true, and this also applies to getting things without asking.
As a somewhat tongue in cheek example -- if you have guests over you should offer coffee three times. They may refuse the first two and accept the third time. But if you do not offer thrice, they'll go home and complain that you were too stingy to even provide coffee.
You should read the manner of refusal in these kinds of cases, and offer more profusely if the situation demands.
I am built this way. It's weird to admit, but not only I will not ask directly; I am very hesitant to accept things even when offered. Definitely very high on the guess culture scale, and I know that's incompatible with how some other cultures operate, so I'm trying to be mindful about it and behave more directly when situation demands.
This kind of thing is so foreign to me. Why all the dance? It makes no sense to me. I'll offer you a choice of coffee, tea, water, juice. Whatever we currently have basically. You say which one you want or you get nothing. Your choice.
It's just a different culture, so it's not an active, rational decision about which way to react -- that's not how we work. My first instinct always is to refuse the offer before I really consider if I want it or not. It's built-in, it's in my bones. The polite way, not being a burden or causing extra hassle. Then with a follow-up offer I have maybe considered the circumstances and my wants a bit more and can accept if I feel so.
> You say which one you want or you get nothing. Your choice.
It doesn't work if I'm visiting you, that's for sure. It works well and without any friction in my own culture. So there's the need to be mindful of the situation and perhaps consider a bit longer before going with my instincts.
And if the worst comes to pass and you don't offer again, then maybe I'll realize our differences and just ask for that coffee after all.
I guess if I had to describe it it's sort of like instead of primarily looking after yourself and your own needs, it becomes more of a collaborative project. Like I care about the people around me by anticipating what they might need (would you like a cup of tea, would you like a pillow) to make them comfortable, and in return, they do the same for me, and I get a positive feeling of community around this looking after and being looked after cycle.
From there it continues towards my knowing that when I arrive somewhere they are sort of socially obligated to offer whatever they have to me regardless of whether they have the means to or want to. Maybe I feel like they would be more comfortable sitting and chatting with me but they are insisting on standing and serving me with drinks and such. So I say no initially, I want them to rest for a moment. But they indicate, by asking again, that it's no problem, and that in fact they will be making something for themselves regardless of what I say, at which point I think about if I actually want something.
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Bedouin culture is based on asking 3 times knowing the first 2 don’t count.
I always saw it as a way for a host to try a couple of alternatives before working on the actual need.
Northern European countries are, I believe, generally considered low context countries. High context countries include Japan, India, several Middle Eastern countries, France etc