Comment by OscarTheGrinch
1 year ago
Hey Lars. Thanks for sharing your story, so many of us are in a similar situations but dealing with it in isolation. After more than a decade of being a carer I can offer you the following:
Take care of yourself and your partner. Get some outside help if you can so you can take some breaks.
Find things that bring you joy, treat yourself.
Try and help your daughters process things and come away better people for the experience.
Treat your son with love and dignity.
Find some things in your life to be grateful for and dwell on them, it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time.
Sending the hugs back to you and yours.
> it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time.
This is very much the opposite of my experience. Being grateful even for the losses that have brought the most sorrow, the two things at the very same time, has ripped me apart, but it's also been the only way through.
ETA: I say this not to contradict you or deny your experience. I say it in case other people are thinking their experience might need to include both, so they're encouraged to realize that, for some people, it's not impossible, but necessary.
> Being grateful even for the losses that have brought the most sorrow, the two things at the very same time, has ripped me apart, but it's also been the only way through.
Whether or not you express this sentiment as a Christian, this is a core tenet of the teachings. Despite being reminded of this by a close counselor in the beginning of my own tragedy, I have yet to fully come to terms with it. I know I need to, and I try, but I'm still bitter about it, and I know I'm still only faking it. In fact, I think I'm reading this story and your comment at precisely the time I need to in order to finally admit to myself that this is also my only way through. I gotta be honest: I never expected to hear the voice of God speaking through this forum. Thank you.
I do express it as a Christian, and I don't believe I could any other way. After losing my sister and my nephew six years ago (today would have been her 36th birthday, actually), I tried mightily to come up with any other way through, and it just didn't, couldn't, happen.
There's a line at the end of the book A Song for Nagasaki where he says, "For all that has been, thank you. To all that will be, yes."
I think the journey of my life of faith is one of coming to mean that.
Peace to you.
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Agreed, this was my reaction as well. One of the most tragic feelings I've ever experienced in the realization of how lucky you are once something is gone. This is one of the defining aspects of my experience with lost relationships and the death of friends and family.
> Find some things in your life to be grateful for and dwell on them, it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time.
Any advice on how to do this one. Recently I have been Noticing how no matter how many Good things I do in a year once they’re over they don’t really bring positive feelings the same way that the bad things pop up and make them selves dwelled upon.
I hope this doesn't sound overly simplistic, but it has changed my life. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for most of my life. A couple of years ago, a therapist said, "Have you tried thinking of something else?" when I was explaining running through anxiety-inducing scenarios in my head.
So now when something that causes anxiety or dread starts to show up in my head, I immediately say "I don't want to think about that" and I say a little prayer. Sometimes, I keep repeating the prayer to keep my mind occupied on something besides dread.
I have joked that this is my "Bottle it up" approach to my mental health, which people usually assume is a self-deprecating joke, but there's actually a lot of truth in it. Being able to control when to mentally address these tough situations if a real skill, and is not simply ignoring the problem outright. I'm glad you shared this experience.
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In theravada buddhism, this is called applying the faculty of wise attention. We have zero control over our thoughts, but we have control over the object of our attention (and it improves with practice).
When unpleasant thoughts arise, the (canonical Buddhist) strategy is to move your attention to something (anything!) else.
Using mantra (prayer) or force of will ("I close my attention to this thought") are both applications of the technique.
There is really no tricks to do this, anyone who says otherwise is lying. We are not designed to "feel happy" we are designed to reproduce successfully . Don't strive to be happy all the time.
I am sure even dalai lama has a nagging inner voice thats harshing his buzz all the time. All the stuff these folks preach is just entertainment.
Inner voice has been conditioned by evolution, food, famine, floods, climate, culture , your body, your parents and host of other fears and hopes. You cannot simply trick that voice into thinking happy thoughts.
That’s weirdly reductive. The point isn’t to feel persistently happy—happiness is fleeting— it's to not feel hopeless and inconsolably miserable. I’m chemically prone to depression— diagnoses and everything— and even at my most depressed I’ll still feel moments of happiness. It’s the pervasive lack of hope, vitality, and the ability to see what’s good in your life that’s dangerous. Feeling grateful might not be a silver bullet for being in this mental state, but trying to more objectively view your situation in context and recognizing the good parts is an important part of grounding yourself when your perspective is skewed by depression.
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Non-believer not believing that believers’ belief has a real impact on their subjective inner experience.
It does.
if you could watch that voice, maybe it will shut up or u can make peace with it?
i try to focus on positive experiences. that can mean trying to think of a positive memory or daydream about something, but usually it is immersing myself in a game or watch a movie, or listen or a story or audio drama, or writing.
one thing about writing vs daydreaming. daydreaming tends to have a bad reputation: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daydream#Benefits_and_costs but to me, a daydream is just a story not written down. when i focus on daydreaming i am literally doing the same thing as when i am focusing on writing a story.
i also write down positive experiences so i can revisit them if i feel the need (although i never do that. it's enough for me to know that the memory is saved)
you could try listening to entertaining podcasts if you want something to distract you while doing other work.
another thing that i found when i miss someone, is that drawing them lets me feel closer to them. if you want to try that but worry about your drawing skills, i recommend taking a photo of that person, break it down into small rectangles and then reconstruct the photo one rectangle at the time. that ensures you get the proportions right even if you don't have any drawing skills and you won't get frustrated that your drawing looks wrong.
I struggle with it too. Remind yourself that bad feelings are like storms, they will soon pass.
I've heard it said that "happiness is a fleeting feeling and joy is a state of being."
Any time you have the opportunity to experience gratitude, contentment and appreciation for what you do have it brings a great deal of peace.
I appreciate that your post is thoughtful and has good intentions, but can i suggest not telling people how they can or cannot feel, or what they should or shouldn’t do? (hah. putting myself into this basket for a second and acknowledging this comment)
emotions are complex. you can show compassion and empathy without instruction?
inshallah
So you are instructing me not to offer instruction?
> it is impossible to feel sorrow and gratitude at the same time.
I would’ve said this too, until 12 months ago. I lost my dog suddenly. And then some weeks and months later I started to feel her presence running up alongside me when I would walk in our familiar places.
In those moments I felt elation in her presence and also utter despair in her loss all at once.
It was a strange experience but also clear as day.