Comment by jvanderbot
4 days ago
Ask yourself what you want the person to think about, not what you want them to feel. They'll feel anyway, but if you're not careful they'll not think about anything but feelings.
Direct words like "We don't do that here, because we have a duty to have higher standards. Do you understand why?" can carry a lot of gravitas and make a person feel small and bad but that's not their intent. The intent is to make them think about 1. Their place in the org 2. The quality of their work 3. The importance of high standards.
Words like "This really is low quality work." Or "this is awful" are just playground insults and are actually not direct communication at all. They are designed to affect feelings not principles or the technical issues at hand. Going for someone's feelings is just kinda silly.
The fact that some people hold to high standards and also have a mean communication style is fine but not required.
> Going for someone's feelings is just kinda silly.
It's also extremely counterproductive, because anyone who did care about their work being any good will quickly be turned into a grey rock by phrases like "you messed up", "unacceptable" and and "horrific".
And those who don't care about their work also don't care a jot what you think about it.
I think the core issue is that everyone reacts differently to different approaches of conveying a problem. Some people you scream at them "You're trash, you suck!" and their motivation to succeed explodes. Do it to others and they just collapse and check out. Some people screw up big, get a gentle talking to, and walk away feeling like it's no big deal. Others are dead inside and know they can never make that mistake again.
There is no magic response, it needs to be tailored to the individual, and being able to read what kind of response is right for which individual is part of what separates shitty and great managers.
Feelings are important, people remember how you made them feel,not what you said. I want them to understand that mistake/approach was really bad, I want them to feel the gravity of the situation so that when they do work like that in the future, they recall that feeling and take extra care. I don't want them to think they're stupid, or any negative thing about themselves, but I also don't want them to think "it could have happened to anyone". Communication is hard.
Let me be more direct.
It is generally a bad smell to manipulate feelings directly. If you were clear about the gravity of the situation they would have the appropriately bad feelings. Or maybe they wouldn't and would make the appropriate changes anyway.
If you have to go for feelings then you are not transferring context. Or it might be you lack self control to keep your own feelings out of it. (It's not about your feelings it's about solving problems).
Or it might be you wrongly believe that outward expression of feelings that you recognize as appropriate are a prerequisite for positive change. Why do you believe this to be universally true? Why do people have to feel the way you do to do good work?
they don't have to feel the way I do, that's you misunderstanding what you're saying. They have to fee *bad* about what happened. I want them to associate negligence with "i screwed up and this could have been really bad", and then move on knowing they learned their lesson. I could have been then, I could have made that mistake. people forget words, but they don't forget emotions easily, that's why it's important for them to feel somber, to feel like you screwed up (but not like you're a screw-up), to feel like "I messed up and I never want to be in this situation again".
I've made really bad mistakes myself, I still fill horrible about it. When work that involves similar context comes up, I am extra careful and implement all sorts of checks and balances to avoid similar issues from arising. I only wish that for others.
If they repeat that sort of a mistake, they'll probably get fired, that's what's at stake. If nothing else matters, I would hope that at least matters to them. They should feel bad in the same way a person who mishandled a nuclear bomb's detonation mechanism should feel bad, that can't happen, it just can't. simply recognizing the problem, saying you won't do it again isn't enough, you need to feel and permanently have the gravity of the situation ingrained into your thought process.