Comment by Ethee

OP 100% listen to this! You are effectively asking a bunch of strangers on the internet to understand and find a solution for the inner workings of your brain based entirely upon a couple sentences about your life. Now as codingdave points out, a lot of us here have probably been through similar situations, but none of us have been through YOUR situation. Some of us could probably espouse some generalizations that might poke at some of your issues, but only someone of deep intimate knowledge of both you and your motivations will be able to help you fully understand why you're feeling this way. Definitely seek a professional to help you work through this because only you can find the real answer here.