Comment by ivape
3 days ago
Bad parenting. High expectations, or just ridiculous expectations, fuck up people to seek external validation at all phases of life. It's also a form of neglect because you get used to the concept of trading value for love.
I think about this sometimes, and my upbringing wasn't great, but it feels like the past is the past so I should move on. I've tried to bring it up to family before but it wasn't well received.
If this is something you've struggled with (trading value for love), have you found ways to break out of that cycle?
Just begin telling yourself you should have never had to earn your parents love with external outcomes. The love should have been free (this realization can make you break down and cry and it’ll be a really good cry, trust me). Really internalize that. Don’t be pissed about it, but always remember that daily.
Some small therapy (a few sessions) can help to articulate it and get it out. Should be okay. Basically you have to realize you have a dysfunctional version of self love from all of it.
You wouldn’t treat your own kid like that so that’s all you need to know. I was just reading a /r/ptsd (which is something you might have) about a girl who was single in her 30s and feels like a failure to her parents for not being married and having kids. It’s utterly fucked parenting, I hear about it all the time.
Also, your parents invalidating this is a form of gas-lighting. You’re gonna have to love the fuck out of yourself somehow, every last bit of you. Every little hobby, every little post, every little attire, every little imperfection, every little achievement. Your family didn’t know how to love properly and now you don’t.
As you start this process, you will feel shame. It’s part of the process. What kind of adult judges their parents like this? A fucked up one (seriously). Not fucked up as in “bad”, fucked up as in the conveyor built in the factory dropped you and you are fucked up. That’s okay, and your ass is going to have to deal with it (the most adult thing you’ll ever do, and it’ll take awhile).
PTSD is real.
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Lastly, people in life are not stupid. Everyone may not know everything, but just about everyone’s subconscious knows the truth. You can prove it to yourself by simply observing your emotions, they didn’t come out of thin air. You didn’t just hang out in a vacuum in space and return to Earth feeling this way and that way about things. Shit happened, you and the universe know it. Your soul will not let you rest until you heal it.
Best of luck!