Comment by jbs789
2 months ago
This is a tough one.
An advanced cancer diagnosis changes the mind and brings a level of clarity that I had never before experienced, about what is important.
Being forced to face one's mortality is not pleasant but it can be enlightening. And then truly enjoy the experience of being.
I think the question is, if everyone has similar "deathbed" advice, then what can you learn from that?
In software architecture, we often see people rebuild systems from scratch, reproduce the exact same flaws, and end up with the same broken system they sought to replace.
The problem is always that they do not understand the problem. The problem was not the framework, the language, the compute model. It was the problem model.
Having spent a lot of time around that "high driven successful ceo" type, there's a lot of ego involved. There is ego in being needed in meetings. There is ego in working late. There is ego in being the only one who can deliver the thing.
Spoiler, most managers are aware of the ego trap and know how to press that button to get more work from you.
You can't solve the deathbed regret problem by just reading deathbed regrets and swearing to travel or spend time with family. You have to address the root cause of the problematic behavior - ego, dislike of your kids, not actually valuing travel, etc.
Then the ongoing work of prioritizing can happen.
Agree on the egos - it’s hilarious to see, once you’re aware of it.
It sucks that you had to go through that. I often wonder how close psychedelics bring you to that same sensation. I've had some harrowing trips where at the end of it all I can think about is mending or bolstering relationships which I will often spend considerable time doing in the days/weeks after. I'll often reach out to people I haven't talked to in months/years just because I suddenly feel like it's important. It obviously wanes though.
It's not really about learning, as in absorbing information. It's more of a practice: memento mori.
Wishing you health and healing.