Comment by jasondigitized
14 hours ago
Except a lot af askers will put you in an uncomfortable spot. No I don't want you and your family staying at my house while you are in town.
14 hours ago
Except a lot af askers will put you in an uncomfortable spot. No I don't want you and your family staying at my house while you are in town.
Default No is fine, just go with it. That’s a huge ask. It was a 2 week stay, that’s a hell no unless you’re my nuclear family then maybe we can discuss it. Even then, there’s some family I don’t want as overnight guests and I usually put up in a nearby hotel when they visit.
No reason to feel guilty saying no when the ask is that large. I feel bad sometimes saying no to small things. Because it’s trivial on the surface and I don’t have a good reason for saying no except I just don’t want to do it. In any case, I like treating no as my default answer to everything then I have to be convinced to say yes (even if it’s a quick internal negotiation with myself).
If you’re consistent, the most abusive askers learn not to ask. The ones that ask with expectations of a yes, the ones that try to make you feel bad for saying no, those people go away. And that’s my ideal position, I’m only being asked for reasonable things so actually end up saying yes more often than I say no.
This is fairytale advice.
The askers who make you feel bad don't go away. They go up your org chart or get replaced by similar if your company culture tolerates it. You're the one who goes away or settles.
Discomfort is present only if you suspect they're a Guesser and thus one of you has greatly misjudged the relationship and social context.
If you know or suspect they're an Asker the discomfort disappears because you say "No" and they say "OK, cool".
I think guessers agonise over HOW to say "No" in contexts like this, and what it says about them as people.
"Can my family and I stay for two weeks?".
Then:
"No." (looks cold and heartless; do I want to project cold and heartless? Will they hate me?).
"I'm so sorry but I'm not able to. The house is a mess and it's really small" (performative, hand-wringing reluctance; we both know I'm lying).
"I just don't like to share my environment" (most truthful; might look petty to those who don't understand the need for privacy to that degree).
Having said that, I have become a lot better at being direct these past few years, so I'd likely just say "I'm not able to, sorry. I can recommend some good hotels though".
All this rings true, which brings me to this question: are Guessers just a bunch of Overthinkers?
Then just say, “No, that won’t work out for us.” Done.