Comment by jasondigitized

15 days ago

Except a lot af askers will put you in an uncomfortable spot. No I don't want you and your family staying at my house while you are in town.

16 comments

jasondigitized

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elgenie  15 days ago

Discomfort is present only if you suspect they're a Guesser and thus one of you has greatly misjudged the relationship and social context.

If you know or suspect they're an Asker the discomfort disappears because you say "No" and they say "OK, cool".

  • lloydjones  15 days ago

    I think guessers agonise over HOW to say "No" in contexts like this, and what it says about them as people.

    "Can my family and I stay for two weeks?".

    Then:

    "No." (looks cold and heartless; do I want to project cold and heartless? Will they hate me?).

    "I'm so sorry but I'm not able to. The house is a mess and it's really small" (performative, hand-wringing reluctance; we both know I'm lying).

    "I just don't like to share my environment" (most truthful; might look petty to those who don't understand the need for privacy to that degree).

    • lloydjones  15 days ago

      Having said that, I have become a lot better at being direct these past few years, so I'd likely just say "I'm not able to, sorry. I can recommend some good hotels though".

conductr  15 days ago

Default No is fine, just go with it. That’s a huge ask. It was a 2 week stay, that’s a hell no unless you’re my nuclear family then maybe we can discuss it. Even then, there’s some family I don’t want as overnight guests and I usually put up in a nearby hotel when they visit.

No reason to feel guilty saying no when the ask is that large. I feel bad sometimes saying no to small things. Because it’s trivial on the surface and I don’t have a good reason for saying no except I just don’t want to do it. In any case, I like treating no as my default answer to everything then I have to be convinced to say yes (even if it’s a quick internal negotiation with myself).

If you’re consistent, the most abusive askers learn not to ask. The ones that ask with expectations of a yes, the ones that try to make you feel bad for saying no, those people go away. And that’s my ideal position, I’m only being asked for reasonable things so actually end up saying yes more often than I say no.

  • caminante  15 days ago

    This is fairytale advice.

    The askers who make you feel bad don't go away. They go up your org chart or get replaced by similar if your company culture tolerates it. You're the one who goes away or settles.

    • robocat  15 days ago

      Why do you blame askers for how you feel?

      You are responsible for your feelings and setting your boundaries.

      Learning how to set boundaries is something most people learn as they mature. Yeah, not easy. I have especially noticed recently that some of my friends who are mums have learnt how to claim their own needs only after their kids have left home. Some people give too much.

      Do you expect others to adivinate what your personal boundaries are?

      Do you get frustrated when friends or family make the wrong assumptions?

      If you have arseholes in your life that actually make you feel bad, then it is even more important to learn how set boundaries with them. If they don't respect the boundaries you set, or create conflict, then that is often very difficult to resolve.

      I struggle with conflict avoiders because they have needs however they often act passive. Yet their hidden expectations remain, and their response if you fail to meet their expectations is often poor. One friend in particular also often guesses wrong to my detriment, instead of asking a simple question.

      Do mind readers want others to read minds?

      I strongly dislike passive people that blame others for their poor communications.

      6 replies →

entropicdrifter  12 days ago

Then say that.

If someone goes on to say, "well you ruined my vacation" or something like that, they weren't asking at all, they were demanding and now they're bullying you about having boundaries to try to tear your boundaries down.

People who go out of their way to try to trample your explicitly stated boundaries are abusing you.

So say no, and if they don't take it well, create distance or tell them off. Avoiding conflict in this case is fully to your own detriment.

If, on the other hand, they do take it well, then guess what? They're an asker and are just fully exploring their options and it's no big deal to them that you said no.