Comment by Havoc
4 hours ago
Don’t they have better things to do? Maybe vibecode a taskbar that moves when you try to move away the mouse over it or perhaps a windows 12 installation procedure that requires a fecal sample and iris scan?
4 hours ago
Don’t they have better things to do? Maybe vibecode a taskbar that moves when you try to move away the mouse over it or perhaps a windows 12 installation procedure that requires a fecal sample and iris scan?
> installation procedure that requires a fecal sample and iris scan
Do you work for Microsoft or something? Please do do not give them ideas.
"Only for your own good!™" or alternatively: "Security next level! Fingerprint was yesterday. The future is Microsoft's new iris scan." and then it is built in a way, that you can simply hold up a photo of someone's iris and unlock the device, or trying to prevent that, works so badly, that half of the time you cannot unlock your own device.
You'll have to wear the fecal probe at all times while using Windows 12, for security reasons, and every command you issue will cause it to move around and take another sample, in order to make sure you are still physically there. On the plus side, it will make it painfully obvious to every Windows user how they are being fucked by Microsoft.
Maybe facebook can ride on this and let you share your feces with your friends family and groups of strangers from the internet! They can run models that predict what you ate and show relevant ads.
1 reply →
> "Only for your own good!™"
Very few things trigger me more than this doublespeak.
They're not. Operating systems will be legally required to ask for such samples in some jurisdictions by 2028. Linus has fecal_sample.ko lined up for merge in 7.3 or so.
/s but we jumped to the Black Mirror timeline so who knows?
Paging Sam Altman
“Featuring a partnership with Kohler Health and the Dekoda toilet camera and Withings and their UScan piss sensor…”
“Please drink Exlax verification can”
1 reply →
Remember, it is for the children. /s
We should start this process early and all start sending our fecal samples to MS headquarters.
> moves when you try to move away the mouse over it
They already did that. I sit down at my computer and try to activate the window I want to work in, and the "location" icon temporarily appears in the notification area which causes all the taskbar icons to shift left. I accidentally click the neighboring icon and launch an app that throws up a splash screen for 60 seconds while it loads.
> requires a fecal sample So requires the user to log in?
> So requires the user to log in?
Only on premium subscriptions, for free users you need your neighbour's stool sample.
Error: Timeout. Please submit iris scan less than 60 seconds after fecal sample.
"Installations of new Windows OS tied to pink-eye outbreak nationwide"
The next step is mandatory id verification for the age check on login.
To protect the children.
Why are you exposing our future security plans on a thread about coprophilic divinations?
That's a great idea the task bar could just shift to expose a link to sign up for azure/office/OneDrive/CoPilot subscription that the user misclicks on.
Combine fingerprint biometric with fecal samples for a convenient "fecalprint" button. The user doesn't even have to go into the bathroom! It can be microslops version of Apple's TouchID.
You're absolutely right! It's not just a fecalprint button, it's a feces platform!
just press your bumhole to the glass
I’m at the point to tell people (friends, neighbors, fellow parents, family, ie, not HN readers) to prolong the life of their existing computers and install what I think is the easiest windows equivalent on their computers: kubuntu.
Gnome is nice and all, but the default ui, and remember defaults matter for a lot of people, is just too jarring.
The people I am talking about just wanna browse the web, go on Facebook and use their gmail. Look at funny YouTube videos. The default KDE ui has that windows start menu and looks roughly the same so they can hit the ground running.
My family switched to Gnome 2 a couple of decades ago. My mother quite liked it and has consistently installed it on every new computer she bought. Her only confusion lately has been with the ubuntu snap packages and how they behave between multiple accounts on the machine.
These days she uses MATE which still offers that Gnome 2 layout. Awesome thing about Linux is that option to fork, so her desktop environment has remained consistent for over 20 years.
Cinnamon has a very classic Windows layout. I am getting very comfortable using MX Linux with KDE, especially that I have been able to move my NVME drive over several laptops now. Starting to get the itch to find a rolling distro to skip reinstalling the OS every two years.
Anal folds are as unique as fingerprints. Please submit a high quality hole pic to Microsoft for identity verification
An opportunity to sell chairs with built-in cameras!
In different canton (equivalent to US states) in Switzerland, you take the sample at home, and go to the post office to send it.
So why not to create a M365 account? International dispatch to the US :D
I can really see them ship the first, that's at the same time very funny, and quite sad.
first one is a really slick tooltip ui to make sure people read tooltips. hover over button, it slides out while revealing tooltip text in its place, move cursor to button again
if you want to make sure people read a lot of instructions you can chain this so that you need to hover over the button multiple times, revealing the instructions a bit at a time
Someone misheard iris for anus? lol
“Your sample was insufficient. Please try again later.”
"please drink the verification can"
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don't Create The Torment Nexus
The biometric version of the S/Key OTP algorithm: https://datatracker.ietf.org/doc/html/rfc1760
Best we can hope for is Microsoft dogfoods the feature first.
Will the oral and anal probe be clearly marked, or will you only get a warning of "swap the probes" after pushing them into wrong holes?
> a fecal sample
a micro shit (tm)
Micro Shart
Human or cow shet?