Comment by brobdingnagians
3 hours ago
My wife has some severe challenges (hormonal and otherwise), so I have changed almost all diapers, and work part time/nights as a software developer purely for the fact that I need to be available to take our child regularly throughout the day, at one point I was full time childcare and job. My wife has a free pass to go on day trips and climbing excursions for her mental health. I guess the point is, to find someone who genuinely wants to help and participate, and find something that works for you. It's such a huge part of life, it's important to get the balance right. That's a difficult thing to do, but knowing what someone's core beliefs about family, responsibility, and expectations is important.
This stuff cuts both ways. We talk in terms of “men this, women that”, but the reality is much closer to “people”.
In the past, societal norms provided a lot of shelter for the shitty behaviour of men - and they still do - but it doesn’t follow that men have a monopoly on shitty behaviour.
My reality is full time stay at home parent, sole breadwinner, chef, handyman, school and holiday organiser, and being constantly lectured about My Part in the Patriarchy.
I don’t see this as an indictment of women. I see it as an indictment of my chosen partner, and my decision making in this category.
And there’s the rub. As long as we categorise behaviour by gender, we’ll perpetuate a dynamic that permits shitty behaviour with gender as an excuse.