Comment by frmersdog
1 month ago
I'm gay, and most of my online friends are gay. I'm not a virgin (several partners over), and do not identify as an incel, and most of my friends are similarly experienced. I know that I'm dealing with loneliness, and my friends relate their issues with it regularly.
For us, it is a matter of not being able to build and maintain meatspace social connections - reasons vary, including severe social anxiety, poor socialization (in part due to issues with physical development), and physical isolation; if there is a common thread, it is a history of a dysfunctional family life that disrupted development.
It's very frustrating when women center themselves in these kinds of conversations, and use that spotlight to assume and project the worst. There is a consistent unwillingness to even try to understand the perspective of socially-disadvantaged men, or to engage genuinely with the notion that their needs are unique, and uniquely unmet, when compared to that of women and better-adjusted men.
It makes it difficult to get genuine grievances taken seriously; people are always looking for ways to wash their hands of persistent and onerous social issues, and being told, by someone perceived as socially-successful and authoritative, that they can is all the reason they need.
I was a victim of domestic violence, as a man, once a while ago. Ever since then I hate the feeling of things touching my neck - because he tried to strangle me - and my reaction to things rubbing my neck is a tic now.
I was taken seriously for about a week and then it dropped, because it was my sister's boyfriend who did it and he was already going to prison for something else. So why make it worse for him? I got sidelined in favour of that.
My own social connections dropped off at about that time because I became scared. The guy who attacked me was already due to be imprisoned.
So, I was well embedded in that dysfunctional family life, and at every step of the way I was 0 priority compared to the boyfriends of my sisters.
The reason I can't find a woman is not so much that I'm insecure or lonely, but that I need a bit of time to get trust. And besides, lonely people have been paying hookers and escorts forever.
Thank you for your comment, it was comforting to read, I'm sure for many here.
> It's very frustrating when women center themselves in these kinds of conversations
The loneliness epidemic centers on men and men only while data shows no or only small differences between the genders. Somehow, pointing that out is "centering women"?
> There is a consistent unwillingness to even try to understand the perspective of socially-disadvantaged men,
They are constant and persistent center of political conversation. Whether you listen to right wing or centrists, last 3 years were all about socially-disadvantaged men, manufacturing, male loneliness, manliness.
You'd absolutely hate most social discord servers because the very same spotlight women have mod (the spotlight) and will gang up on guys regularly that they disagree with and ban them.