But.. what else can you even say? The alternative is remaining in misery for the rest of your life. And internalising your pain into a characteristic of your personality is among the worst ways to process it.
I feel like there's a misunderstanding here of there being a choice for victims of complex trauma to make between "suffering" and "coping". It is not as binary as this and I know people to whom this advice would be not only unhelpful but actively destructive.
No, the alternative is working through it, processing it, and integrating it into your story of yourself as something you've overcome.
"Letting it go" lands the same as "excise it from your life," which isn't possible. Your body and your mind were shaped by it whether you wanted them to be or not. You have to find a way to integrate it or you'll just keep fighting a losing battle for the rest of your life.
This crosses into personal attack. That's not allowed here.
I'm sure what you wrote here is coming from your own learning and experience, and those are good things. If you want to talk about your own experience with difficult things, that's welcome.
However, when someone else does do, please don't reply with judgmental abstractions and supercilious advice—it's definitely not in the intended spirit of this site (https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=39037689.
I can't tell if this is a joke or not but does helping people who have had the same problems as you count as a personal attack here?
That's bizarre to say the least.
It's not "judgmental abstractions and supercilious advice". Jesus.
Man, the replies here make me sick to my stomach and yours is especially bad dang. What an absolutely pathetic response from a moderator.
Edit: Just read your bio and the quote from Milner. I now think you just exude hypocritical thinking on the daily now, or maybe that quote was added a long, long time ago. Gave me a laugh.
> The best thing to do with trauma as a kid is to let it go.
Makes it sound like you have a choice. If you could let go it wouldn't be trauma ?
A psych I saw told me to "just stop thinking about it" when I told her about my problems. Bitch I'm here for sole reason that I can't stop thinking about it.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I would like to advice that finding the right therapist takes time but don’t give up on finding one.
My last psych laughed at me while I was trying to open up about the trauma and tell him about it in more detail. Some people don’t deserve to be therapists and are probably doing more harm than good to the society. He came as most recommended btw in my city.
Suggesting a seemingly easy solution to a debilitating problem someone is having might cause them to feel less about themselves. I believe the point is to offer sympathy to a reader who reads your post and sort of goes “if it’s just that, why can’t I seem to do it?”.
I can tell you mean well, but there’s an asterisk to your advice your commenters seem to point out. Your advice might require years and finding a good therapist or purpose for some. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.
> integrating the trauma into your personality and by extension your life.
You were not wrong here and to be honest 9 hours later I feel ashamed to have made the original comment and no disrespect to the author obviously.
I’ve been having a few bad days lately and what the author and his family are going through took me back to a time when I thought could relate not as the author but someone as a family member who was affected.
I should have been more empathetic rather than making the comment about me (although I was trying not to).
I tend to not do this as therapy is working for me mostly, but times like these it brings back emotions that you cannot control.
"Integrating the trauma into your personality and by extension your life" isn't optional. Biologically, the trauma changed both your body and your mind. Your neurological and endocrine systems do not respond to stimuli as they would have if you had not experienced the trauma.
It's highly analogous to a deeply damaging physical wound. It is part of you now, whether you want it to be or not. You can't undo it, and denying the reality of it won't actually help you live a healthy life without it.
Recently I listened to David Goggins on Huberman. He talks a lot about confronting your traumas, and as far as I can tell, it really is the only solution.
> Being molested shouldn't stop you getting a good education, finding someone you like or earning well for yourself
You are being downvoted (I guess) because people mistake this kind of attitude for apathy, but I think it is a valid statement, and there is research to show this attitude can be very helpful
Except if you get the disease and then cry about it and woe is me instead of taking the medicine.... then that's apparently the only course of action? What.
So you're saying if we cured cancer people would still willingly die of cancer because it's "too hard" to take the right approach to curing it?
I agree it's totally necessary to do this to live a fulfilling life, however it's unrealistic for most. It usually takes hundreds of hours of psychoanalysis to even come close to "getting over it", or even discovering what "it" is in the first place. Unfortunately most countries healthcare systems and/or peoples' wallets aren't equipped to deal with that.
It's more about the money situation, or the availability of it at all. Most countries in the world do not have treatment for this. The US still has it to some degree but has tried to wipe it out
Telling victims of trauma that they are "allowing something external to defeat you daily" comes perilously close to blaming the victim, doesn't it?
But.. what else can you even say? The alternative is remaining in misery for the rest of your life. And internalising your pain into a characteristic of your personality is among the worst ways to process it.
I feel like there's a misunderstanding here of there being a choice for victims of complex trauma to make between "suffering" and "coping". It is not as binary as this and I know people to whom this advice would be not only unhelpful but actively destructive.
> What else can you even say?
Try: nothing.
2 replies →
No, the alternative is working through it, processing it, and integrating it into your story of yourself as something you've overcome.
"Letting it go" lands the same as "excise it from your life," which isn't possible. Your body and your mind were shaped by it whether you wanted them to be or not. You have to find a way to integrate it or you'll just keep fighting a losing battle for the rest of your life.
7 replies →
> But.. what else can you even say?
The truth. That there is and never will be any solution.
1 reply →
No, because you're teaching someone how to frame their problem so that they can start to work their way out of it. No blaming is taking place.
No. Why would I blame myself?
This crosses into personal attack. That's not allowed here.
I'm sure what you wrote here is coming from your own learning and experience, and those are good things. If you want to talk about your own experience with difficult things, that's welcome.
However, when someone else does do, please don't reply with judgmental abstractions and supercilious advice—it's definitely not in the intended spirit of this site (https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=39037689.
I can't tell if this is a joke or not but does helping people who have had the same problems as you count as a personal attack here?
That's bizarre to say the least.
It's not "judgmental abstractions and supercilious advice". Jesus.
Man, the replies here make me sick to my stomach and yours is especially bad dang. What an absolutely pathetic response from a moderator.
Edit: Just read your bio and the quote from Milner. I now think you just exude hypocritical thinking on the daily now, or maybe that quote was added a long, long time ago. Gave me a laugh.
I'm sorry my comment landed that harshly. It certainly wasn't what I wanted.
I was hoping to come back and give a more detailed explanation but there just hasn't been time.
3 replies →
> The best thing to do with trauma as a kid is to let it go.
Makes it sound like you have a choice. If you could let go it wouldn't be trauma ?
A psych I saw told me to "just stop thinking about it" when I told her about my problems. Bitch I'm here for sole reason that I can't stop thinking about it.
"Just do x" is non advice.
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I would like to advice that finding the right therapist takes time but don’t give up on finding one.
My last psych laughed at me while I was trying to open up about the trauma and tell him about it in more detail. Some people don’t deserve to be therapists and are probably doing more harm than good to the society. He came as most recommended btw in my city.
Luckily I was able to find a good doctor later.
> My last psych laughed at me while I was trying to open up about the trauma
Did he still get payed?
Because I would laugh at his invoice.
1 reply →
And people continue to buy into these scam professions.
At least she didn't do anything to compound on your problems.
Consider yourself lucky.
You do have a choice. Everything we do is sourced by choices. It's weird that you think helping people is not advice.
I never said stop thinking about it. I said think about it, pass it through your pipeline of thought and then acknowledge it and leave it.
It's the "and leave it" part everyone is disagreeing with you about.
Major trauma changes you. There is no "leaving it." There is only relearning how to be the way you are now in the world so you can move forward.
1 reply →
Much, much easier said than done.
All hard things worth doing are. What's your point? Don't do anything worth doing because it's hard?
I have both said and done. It's better for you than integrating the trauma into your personality and by extension your life.
Suggesting a seemingly easy solution to a debilitating problem someone is having might cause them to feel less about themselves. I believe the point is to offer sympathy to a reader who reads your post and sort of goes “if it’s just that, why can’t I seem to do it?”.
I can tell you mean well, but there’s an asterisk to your advice your commenters seem to point out. Your advice might require years and finding a good therapist or purpose for some. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.
3 replies →
> integrating the trauma into your personality and by extension your life.
You were not wrong here and to be honest 9 hours later I feel ashamed to have made the original comment and no disrespect to the author obviously.
I’ve been having a few bad days lately and what the author and his family are going through took me back to a time when I thought could relate not as the author but someone as a family member who was affected.
I should have been more empathetic rather than making the comment about me (although I was trying not to).
I tend to not do this as therapy is working for me mostly, but times like these it brings back emotions that you cannot control.
2 replies →
"Integrating the trauma into your personality and by extension your life" isn't optional. Biologically, the trauma changed both your body and your mind. Your neurological and endocrine systems do not respond to stimuli as they would have if you had not experienced the trauma.
It's highly analogous to a deeply damaging physical wound. It is part of you now, whether you want it to be or not. You can't undo it, and denying the reality of it won't actually help you live a healthy life without it.
3 replies →
Your GP feels a bit flippant, regardless of whether it is or not.
3 replies →
Recently I listened to David Goggins on Huberman. He talks a lot about confronting your traumas, and as far as I can tell, it really is the only solution.
> Being molested shouldn't stop you getting a good education, finding someone you like or earning well for yourself
You are being downvoted (I guess) because people mistake this kind of attitude for apathy, but I think it is a valid statement, and there is research to show this attitude can be very helpful
The best way to not be sick is to just refuse to get the disease in the first place.
Also known as the republican approach to COVID.
Except if you get the disease and then cry about it and woe is me instead of taking the medicine.... then that's apparently the only course of action? What.
So you're saying if we cured cancer people would still willingly die of cancer because it's "too hard" to take the right approach to curing it?
There is no medicine here.
Some problems don't have a solution.
Some aren't even amenable to compromise.
Sometimes compromise is even worse.
It sucks but it's the truth.
2 replies →
I agree it's totally necessary to do this to live a fulfilling life, however it's unrealistic for most. It usually takes hundreds of hours of psychoanalysis to even come close to "getting over it", or even discovering what "it" is in the first place. Unfortunately most countries healthcare systems and/or peoples' wallets aren't equipped to deal with that.
Yes. Hundreds of hours is nothing in the lifespan of a human adult. Start today.
It's more about the money situation, or the availability of it at all. Most countries in the world do not have treatment for this. The US still has it to some degree but has tried to wipe it out